Monday, March 31, 2014

3/31 Zombi 3

3/31/14
Zombi 3
"I like smoking. I take a toke on a joint every now-and-again; and once in a while, I like to piss on a bush"

Also known as: "Zombie Flesh Eaters 2"
IMDB.com Rating: 4.8 out of 10
Availability: Still in print through 'Shriek Show' and moderately priced.
Watch Onlinehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54PIkp07qwI (The Full-Length Version)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuimQgwn39o (The American Version, minus the opening four mins.)
OH SHIT! Moment: When an unsuspecting schmoe opens up the fridge and gets his throat ripped out by a flying zombi(e) head.
Food and Beverage Pairing: Haitian-style fried plantains, and a zombi(e).

Doctor says you need more fruit in your diet? Wait til you read tonight's pairings.

Step OnePlace oil in a deep frying pan on medium heat. Peel plantains and cut into 5 pieces each. In a small bowl, add a 1/2 cup of water, 1 tbsp. Lawry’s Seasoned Salt (optional) and 1 tbsp. Vinegar.

Step Two:   Place the cut plantains in the hot oil, cooking them for 5 to 7 minutes on each side. Remove plantains and lower heat.  

Step Three: Quickly flatten the plantains using a Tostonera.  

Step Four: Soak the flattened plantains in the water mixture and place in the oil on medium heat.  Turn the plantains on each side until crispy and golden brown.  Place your fried plantains on paper towels to remove excess oil.  Serve hot. 

Now, the Zombi(e)


The Ingredients:
1/2 oz Bacardi® 151 rum
1 oz pineapple juice
1 oz orange juice
1/2 oz apricot brandy
1 tsp sugar
2 oz light rum
1 oz dark rum
1 oz lime juice


Blend all of your ingredients with ice except Bacardi 151 proof rum. Pour into a Collins glass. Float Bacardi 151 proof rum on top. Garnish with a fruit slice, sprig of mint and a cherry. If you want to make it extra fun, peel a grape and drop it in your drink. Pretend it's an eyeball.
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After scientists create a virus, creatively titled 'Death-1', a terrorists steals it and accidentally infects himself leading to all kinds of zombi(e)-ing-out; and only a few soldiers, on-leave for the weekend, can stop these zombi(e)-shenanigans from taking over the world. The movie on the docket tonight is 1988's, 'Zombi 3'.

I had a wedding in Phoenix last weekend. I was asked to officiate; and though I am the couples' friend -- an old pal from high school and his girlfriend of the past I-don't-know-how-many years -- but am I the face you really want to see standing in the background of your family's wedding album? Waking up the day after the wedding with three hours of sleep in me and enough alcohol still in my body to kill a lesser man, it made me wonder what transpired that evening to lead me to the point of waking up on a fold-out couch, with my eyes almost crusted shut.

When I went back to the scene of my indulgence -- the room of the hotel party -- I was frightened at signs of wedding guests unable to keep their shit together. Or perhaps it was a frightening sign of the effect of Sailor Jerry on a man as myself? Clearly, the real culprit here was the Arizona heat -- "it's a dry heat" every local would say to us. I finally saw the damage it could have on a Californian as myself. That Arizona heat must have been responsible for this. It dries you out -- dehydrates you. How could anyone party like this if they knew with every drink of alcohol, you'd have to drink two drinks of water? Clearly, I needed electrolytes.

And some vitamin B.

The scary thing about partying in a hotel room with hard alcohol and red wine is when you finally get to the point where you start drinking red wine -- straight from the bottle, of course -- you've already finished everything else. And red wine has a tendency to leave stains. To walk in to a red wine-stained hotel room is bad. To walk in and, with every step you take, hear the crunch of broken glass and the squish of melted Mike and Ike's show last night's utter lack of respect. And to see the restroom -- the toilet turned about 15 degrees to the left and now on a slant -- that defies everything in the clear-thinking mind of a sober person.

There aren't many times I've said, "fuck it. I'm leaving", but that morning was one of them. It wasn't my hotel room, and none of my money was on the line. I did the only thing a sensible man would do -- I took a couple beers from their fridge, a half of a bottle of Malbec I saw tilted up against the television and I got the fuck out of there and sat pool side, sweating the toxins out.

I was at the hotel on my own dime. I got bat-shit insane because I could. If you're going to go crazy, you have to get paid for it. If you don't, you will be locked up. No one pays you to go to a wedding, so when you wake up to find the damages, run, never look back and deny everything.

Terrorist-Zombi(e)s. Because, why the fuck not...
So tonight's movie is 'Zombi 3', with no "E". This is one of my personal favorites. I think people who find this movie is good are idiots and people who call this movie terrible are fools. This movie is what it is -- an entertaining zombi(e) flick with bad acting. The amazing thing is how through half of the film there is no establishing who the main stars are. They focus on certain actors, who all get killed shortly thereafter. Every time a potential main star gets screen time, they end up being eaten by acrobatic zombi(e)s. Screen time is the kiss of death in this one.

Like many Italian horror films of the time, mostly American actors were employed; and when it came time to finish the film, they re-dubbed everyone's voice in English(..?). This movie borrows from a lot of movies of the time. The entire opening theme is a rip-off of 'Return of the Living Dead'. The plot of burning the zombi(e)s and accidentally releasing the ash into the atmosphere, thus creating more zombi(e)s was, again, taken from 'Return of the Living Dead'. And, like 'The Warriors' and 'Vanishing Point', this movie is semi-narrated by a D.J., "Blue Heart".

Blue Heart talks mostly about gibberish, like nature and the ozone layer. Not that "ecological bullshit" is gibberish, but for this movie, it really has no purpose.

After the initial zombi(e) outbreak, which leads to a hotel -- the set for most of this picture -- the film's few zombi(e)s are killed and burned. A large amount of birds flying overhead get infected by the smoke and ash entering the atmosphere through the crematorium smokestacks. This, of course, leads to 'zombi(e) birds'. As a nice backdrop, Blue Heart's favorite band, "Peppy Satan", plays to the tune of a zombi(e) bird-attack scene.

Fast-forward a little bit and we get one of the greatest scenes ever put on film:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yvXxH2fVho
If you can't watch this, find a computer that will support this video. You really need to see this.

Really.

We go back to the off-duty soldiers, hiding where the outbreak saw it's first victims -- a hotel -- with a zombi(e) outbreak in its tenth hour, or so. Why the inside of the hotel is now covered in all kinds of plant vegetation, like an abandoned house of several years, is beyond me. And then, finally, at the 47:00 minute mark, we are given the film's stars. The next 30 minutes is just zombi(e)-filler, pun intended.

One thing I have not mentioned; this movie was filmed by Lucio Fulci. After he left production due to a stroke, Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso took over as directors. About 60% of the final cut was Fulci's material. Bruno Mattei made a name for himself, releasing on of the top three worst zombi(e) movies of the '80s -- 'Hell of the Living Dead'. And Claudio made an even bigger name for himself for films like 'Zombie 4: After Death', the notoriously bad 'Troll 2' and the 'Troll 2' documentary, 'Best Worst Movie'. Of course their collaboration on this film would be one shunned for years by critics and the academy.

After the directorial-change, many scenes became fair game for re-shoots. None of those scenes became more apparent than the one in the film's finale. We are left with the male and female lead running to a helicopter, with no zombi(e)s around. They sit there in flight, about eight feet off the ground, so the dueteragonist --  the second protagonist -- can jump onto the landing gear and pull himself up into the chopper in dramatic fashion. The logical decision would've been to take off after he got into the helicopter, but that's no fun. As he dangles, several zombies scurry out from underneath 18-inches of hay build-up. Zombi(e)s have a keen sense of surprise. The grab him and pull him down to his death.

Enter: Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso. They wanted this character to have a more honorable death. They reshot him in a field, different from the one he was started in seconds earlier. It's very clear it's not the same field because the nearby buildings are suddenly absent, and there's an overabundance of green grass and hills. He somehow fights off every single zombi(e) without getting bitten. As he runs to safety, the CDC shoots him and he does his best Willem Dafoe -- circa 1986's 'Platoon' -- as he finally gets the hero's death deserving of a second-rate actor in a cheezy zombi(e) movie.

The two leads, now presumably lovers, fly away to the jams of Blue Heart. As ol' Blue gives a speech, warning everyone it is now the year zero, he turns to the camera to find he's actually been a zombi(e) for a good portion of the movie; and although he shows no signs of being a zombi(e) -- like talking, D.J.ing and taking phone requests -- our two leads have somehow caught on to the fact he's a zombi(e).
Zombi(e) D.J, Blue Heart

Patricia: "So it seems like Blue Heart is one of them now. What are we returning to?"
Ken: "We're gonna have to fight it."
Patricia: "Kenny, we're going back to that? To fight?"
Ken: "We're going to back to win -- or humanities done for."
Insert: uplifting rock n' roll number

Hmm...

Yes, all signs point to this movie being terrible:
-Multiple directors
-Bad acting and terrible dialogue
-A self-propelled, flying zombi(e) head
But this movie still has a special place in my heart. I just wish more people would watch this and realize how enjoyably bad it is. There seems to be no middle ground. People either like it because they think it's good, or dislike it because they think it's bad. People's views on this are so one-dimensional. Or maybe, I am just the fool.

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----15
Redeeming Qualities---12
Rewatchability---------7
Directing/Quality------3
Plot/Storyline----------2
Pacing-----------------4
Dialogue/Writing-------2
Acting-----------------1
TOTAL---------------46


Was this movie worth my time and money? I bought this over ten years ago, so I don't even remember what I paid for it. I'm sure it didn't 'break the bank'; and I can usually find time once a year to watch this, so I'm going to say "yes" to both. I could see some type of statement being attempted, but it falls well short of the larger-scale zombi(e) films of George A. Romero. In the end, science will always prevail. If you're trying to make a statement about the negative effects of fooling around with 'mother nature', you really shouldn't call your virus "Death-1". Such a dumb and obvious name will eliminate any hope of someone looking towards your film for any kind of an allegory. Nevertheless, I can always find a few reasons to recommend this film to a friend -- especially if they enjoy shit; and I don't mean like taking some negatives and wiping feces on it before tossing it in a projector, but the shit that has become known as, 'schlock'.



Tuesday, March 25, 2014

3/25 Manos: The Hands of Fate

3/25/14
Manos: The Hands of Fate 
"There is no way out of here. It will be dark soon. There is no way out of here" ~ Torgo
or: "HANDS: The Hands of Fate"...

IMDB.com Rating: 1.9 out of 10
Availability: Still in print through 'Alpha Video' and very cheap.
Watch Onlinehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdTyTRnGn14
MST3K Version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AJVZuQuD6M
OH SHIT! Moment: When you realize the family's 8-year-old daughter has been taken as one of 'The Master's' brides. Eww. But seriously, what the fuck..?!
Food and Beverage Pairing: Nachos and Shiner Bock, with a swig of Pepe Lopez for dessert.

Step One: Place a decent helping of nacho chips on a microwave-safe plate.

Note: You might be tempted to get a chip with infused flavor – maybe a lime or salsa-flavored chip. That won’t be necessary. Just buy a basic chip – the cheaper, the better. I prefer, if you can find it, Gringo George. He’s my favorite of the Gringo-Beatles, right ahead of Gringo Starr. Ehh? Ehh?

…Didn't find that one funny, did you? Too bad. You read it, you can’t UN-read it.

Anyways, top the chips with lots of cheese. I recommend a combination of shredded cheeses and, if you have a block of cheese on hand, a sprinkling of ½ inch cheese chunks. If you really want to get fancy, add some sliced jalapeno, cut-up bell peppers, olives, onions, chives and avocado.

Note: If you’re shredding the cheese yourself, you've already done something wrong. Don’t shred your own cheese. They make great re-sealable packages of cheese which can be found in your local grocer’s dairy aisle. Luxuries such as these are made possible for such this reason. Just buy a bag of that.

Step Two: Microwave.

Maybe when it’s done, top it with some sour cream.

AND, if you’re feeling really spunky,
Step Three: Pour milk into a cup with a good amount of cheese. Microwave and stir. Shazam, pour-able cheese! When you refer to it as “pour-able” it sounds disgusting... oh, well.

            Note: Pour-able cheese is also great for homemade cheese-popcorn, so, yeah.

Now, make sure you have enough Shiners to get you through 70-minutes and you’re ready to rock.
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Before I begin my review, I first want to point out “Manos” means “hands” in Spanish; so in essence, we are watching the 1966 classic, “HANDS: The Hands of Fate”.


A good film is a collaboration. It's good acting, good directing, good cinematography, good writing, good pacing and good other verbs. It's a lot of moving parts which have to work together to make a satisfactory product. Few movies can screw all of those things up and still be watchable. Could "Manos: The Hands of Fate" be one of those movies?

Acid-head, Torgo, seen on the right.
To begin, the director was an insurance and fertilizer salesman. As the old adage goes, "if you're trying to make a movie, don't hire an insurance and fertilizer salesman to direct". The camera used could record 32-seconds worth of film before the reel had to be changed and couldn't record sound. This would've been hell for the editing department; but based on what made it into the film, I'm pretty sure an editing department wasn't employed. The seemingly endless driving sequence at the beginning of the film was meant to show the opening credits; but in a bold move by
insurance and fertilizer salesman turned first-time director/actor/writer/producer, Harold P. Warren, the film goes credit-less, leaving the viewer trapped in a showing of a Warren-family traveling-themed home movie. This credit-less technique was later utilized by George Lucas during his "Star Wars" saga. When dialogue finally begins, the viewer becomes overly creeped-out with the protagonist's daughter; an eight-year-old, voiced by an adult who shittily tries to sound like an eight-year-old. Introduced shortly thereafter, the antagonist's henchman, Torgo; a constantly jittery and lightly shaking actor, feeling the side-effects of acid. No, really. During the entire production, he was reported doing lots of acid. 

Really.

Robert Shaw was known as an amazing actor. When it came time to shoot his most well-known scene -- the U.S.S. Indianapolis monologue, from "Jaws" -- he insisted on drinking scotch before hand. After a few drunken takes, Shaw gave the chilling speech, an indelible performance. Just as Shaw, Torgo, too, was clearly an actor of the old school persuasion. An actor with a brilliance born of lost inhibition.

Watch Torgo in this unforgettable Academy Award-worthy performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKNTaWElUgA.  This is an actor with his finger on the pulse of the acting community's wrist.

Well, it was the '60s, I suppose.
Notice the dog (on the right). This was one of only two cast
members to be paid for their services. He was fed dog food.
The other paid member was an actress, who received a bike.
When we finally get introduced to the antagonist, a.k.a. The Master, he is shown sleeping in his vintage, long, flowing, black robe with two giant red hand prints on the inside, because why the fuck not. The robe is kinda his 'thing'. He wears it as well as anyone could, I guess. We find out he's a total creeper; a polygamist weirdo. His intentions are made apparent by the brilliant Torgo, both of whom want to marry the protagonist's wife. Just when the plot begins to thicken -- the husband being brutally attacked by Torgo, a fully awoken Master, the uncertainty of the family's safety -- we get a tension-relieving shot of a young couple making-out in their car. Do I smell a plot device?

Nope.

After that weird break in suspense, the movie picks back up. The Master's six wives wake-up and begin bickering. As I mentioned previously, 'Manos' was recorded without sound. Insurance/fertilizer-salesman/director/actor/writer/producer, Harold P. Warren, only employed three people to voice-over the entire film. While the wives are all seen yelling at each other, only one actor's voice is heard. From this point on, throw in an all-out wife-brawl, Torgo jonesin' real bad during an acid flashback, a tickle fight (I think?) and 20-minutes of misplaced music and bad lighting, and you have the magic that is "Manos: The Hands of Fate".

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----13
Redeeming Qualities---9
Rewatchability---------7
Directing/Quality------0
Plot/Storyline----------2
Pacing-----------------3
Dialogue/Writing-------2
Acting-----------------1
TOTAL---------------37

So I ask myself, was this worth my time and money? Well, I knew what I was getting into to when I bought this. I display it proudly in my collection. It's complete shit, technically speaking; nonetheless, I still enjoy it. It's terrible, yet terribly awesome. There's very little insight into what the movie is actually about. I think the director is trying to make a statement, but that might be a stretch. I suppose you can draw a correlation between this movie and the death of the 'American family ideals'. This is kind of ahead of its time. This plays out like a stage production, with a Charles Manson-esque antagonist. You could make the argument this is symbolic for the death of the '60s; the end of love and the birth of true fear -- fear of insanity, fear of the counter-culture. The only problem is this movie was made three years before any of these decade-shattering events happened. So, in other words, this movie may as well be full-of-shit; but on the other hand, it's just entertainment -- entertainment done so bad, it's good. I mean, insurance/fertilizer-salesman/director/actor/writer/producer, Harold P. Warren, probably did as good of a job as he possibly could have. At the end of the day, when you lose the temporary moniker of director/actor/writer/producer, he is just Harold P. Warren -- insurance and fertilizer salesman. So, would I recommend it?

Yeah, why not.

This movie, after all, wasn't terrible for everyone. On the plus side, location scout, Stirling Silliphant, did go on to become an award-winning screenwriter with his credits going with the films, "In the Heat of the Night", "The Towering Inferno", "The Poseidon Adventure", Village of the Damned" and the Stallone arm-wrestling classic, "Over the Top"; so, this movie did spawn some form of Hollywood talent...

Film Grading-Scale

My mission is simple -- to rate the worst movies of all-time. This is my attempt to find the best -- and the worst -- bad movies ever made. To do this, I've created a scale. I refer to it as "The Spawn Scale". It is out of 100.

The grading goes as this:

                    Category                                                    Points

    • Overall Enjoyment                                        20
    • Redeeming Qualities (Special Effects)              20
    • Rewatchability                                              10
    • Directing/Quality                                           10
    • Plot/Storyline                                                10
    • Pacing                                                          10
    • Dialogue/Writing                                           10
    • Acting                                                           10
There will be an emphasis on questions during every movie, like:
-Was it worth my time/money?
-Why did I like/dislike it? And would I recommend it?
-Was there more to the story than what was on the surface (allegory, political statements, etc.)?
-Did the director make the best possible movie they were capable of?

I want to dig deep to find the answers as to why these movies are so bad. And I want to make your experience in watching these films as fun as possible.

SIDE NOTE: The Scale is totally subject to change at any time, so suck it.