Zombi 3
"I like smoking. I take a toke on a joint every now-and-again; and once in a while, I like to piss on a bush"
Also known as: "Zombie Flesh Eaters 2" |
Availability: Still in print through 'Shriek Show' and moderately priced.
Watch Online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54PIkp07qwI (The Full-Length Version)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuimQgwn39o (The American Version, minus the opening four mins.)
OH SHIT! Moment: When an unsuspecting schmoe opens up the fridge and gets his throat ripped out by a flying zombi(e) head.
Food and Beverage Pairing: Haitian-style fried plantains, and a zombi(e).OH SHIT! Moment: When an unsuspecting schmoe opens up the fridge and gets his throat ripped out by a flying zombi(e) head.
Doctor says you need more fruit in your diet? Wait til you read tonight's pairings.
Step One: Place oil in a deep frying pan on medium heat. Peel plantains and cut into 5 pieces each. In a small bowl, add a 1/2 cup of water, 1 tbsp. Lawry’s Seasoned Salt (optional) and 1 tbsp. Vinegar.
Step Two: Place the cut plantains in the hot oil, cooking them for 5 to 7 minutes on each side. Remove plantains and lower heat.
Step Three: Quickly flatten the plantains using a Tostonera.
Step Four: Soak the flattened plantains in the water mixture and place in the oil on medium heat. Turn the plantains on each side until crispy and golden brown. Place your fried plantains on paper towels to remove excess oil. Serve hot.
Now, the Zombi(e)
The Ingredients:
1/2 oz Bacardi® 151 rum
1 oz pineapple juice
1/2 oz apricot brandy
1 tsp sugar
2 oz light rum
1 oz dark rum
1 oz lime juice
Blend all of your ingredients with ice except Bacardi 151 proof rum. Pour into a Collins glass. Float Bacardi 151 proof rum on top. Garnish with a fruit slice, sprig of mint and a cherry. If you want to make it extra fun, peel a grape and drop it in your drink. Pretend it's an eyeball.
_________________________________________________________________________________
After scientists create a virus, creatively titled 'Death-1', a terrorists steals it and accidentally infects himself leading to all kinds of zombi(e)-ing-out; and only a few soldiers, on-leave for the weekend, can stop these zombi(e)-shenanigans from taking over the world. The movie on the docket tonight is 1988's, 'Zombi 3'.
I had a wedding in Phoenix last weekend. I was asked to officiate; and though I am the couples' friend -- an old pal from high school and his girlfriend of the past I-don't-know-how-many years -- but am I the face you really want to see standing in the background of your family's wedding album? Waking up the day after the wedding with three hours of sleep in me and enough alcohol still in my body to kill a lesser man, it made me wonder what transpired that evening to lead me to the point of waking up on a fold-out couch, with my eyes almost crusted shut.
When I went back to the scene of my indulgence -- the room of the hotel party -- I was frightened at signs of wedding guests unable to keep their shit together. Or perhaps it was a frightening sign of the effect of Sailor Jerry on a man as myself? Clearly, the real culprit here was the Arizona heat -- "it's a dry heat" every local would say to us. I finally saw the damage it could have on a Californian as myself. That Arizona heat must have been responsible for this. It dries you out -- dehydrates you. How could anyone party like this if they knew with every drink of alcohol, you'd have to drink two drinks of water? Clearly, I needed electrolytes.
And some vitamin B.
The scary thing about partying in a hotel room with hard alcohol and red wine is when you finally get to the point where you start drinking red wine -- straight from the bottle, of course -- you've already finished everything else. And red wine has a tendency to leave stains. To walk in to a red wine-stained hotel room is bad. To walk in and, with every step you take, hear the crunch of broken glass and the squish of melted Mike and Ike's show last night's utter lack of respect. And to see the restroom -- the toilet turned about 15 degrees to the left and now on a slant -- that defies everything in the clear-thinking mind of a sober person.
There aren't many times I've said, "fuck it. I'm leaving", but that morning was one of them. It wasn't my hotel room, and none of my money was on the line. I did the only thing a sensible man would do -- I took a couple beers from their fridge, a half of a bottle of Malbec I saw tilted up against the television and I got the fuck out of there and sat pool side, sweating the toxins out.
I was at the hotel on my own dime. I got bat-shit insane because I could. If you're going to go crazy, you have to get paid for it. If you don't, you will be locked up. No one pays you to go to a wedding, so when you wake up to find the damages, run, never look back and deny everything.
So tonight's movie is 'Zombi 3', with no "E". This is one of my personal favorites. I think people who find this movie is good are idiots and people who call this movie terrible are fools. This movie is what it is -- an entertaining zombi(e) flick with bad acting. The amazing thing is how through half of the film there is no establishing who the main stars are. They focus on certain actors, who all get killed shortly thereafter. Every time a potential main star gets screen time, they end up being eaten by acrobatic zombi(e)s. Screen time is the kiss of death in this one.
Like many Italian horror films of the time, mostly American actors were employed; and when it came time to finish the film, they re-dubbed everyone's voice in English(..?). This movie borrows from a lot of movies of the time. The entire opening theme is a rip-off of 'Return of the Living Dead'. The plot of burning the zombi(e)s and accidentally releasing the ash into the atmosphere, thus creating more zombi(e)s was, again, taken from 'Return of the Living Dead'. And, like 'The Warriors' and 'Vanishing Point', this movie is semi-narrated by a D.J., "Blue Heart".
Blue Heart talks mostly about gibberish, like nature and the ozone layer. Not that "ecological bullshit" is gibberish, but for this movie, it really has no purpose.
After the initial zombi(e) outbreak, which leads to a hotel -- the set for most of this picture -- the film's few zombi(e)s are killed and burned. A large amount of birds flying overhead get infected by the smoke and ash entering the atmosphere through the crematorium smokestacks. This, of course, leads to 'zombi(e) birds'. As a nice backdrop, Blue Heart's favorite band, "Peppy Satan", plays to the tune of a zombi(e) bird-attack scene.
Fast-forward a little bit and we get one of the greatest scenes ever put on film:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yvXxH2fVho
If you can't watch this, find a computer that will support this video. You really need to see this.
Really.
We go back to the off-duty soldiers, hiding where the outbreak saw it's first victims -- a hotel -- with a zombi(e) outbreak in its tenth hour, or so. Why the inside of the hotel is now covered in all kinds of plant vegetation, like an abandoned house of several years, is beyond me. And then, finally, at the 47:00 minute mark, we are given the film's stars. The next 30 minutes is just zombi(e)-filler, pun intended.
One thing I have not mentioned; this movie was filmed by Lucio Fulci. After he left production due to a stroke, Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso took over as directors. About 60% of the final cut was Fulci's material. Bruno Mattei made a name for himself, releasing on of the top three worst zombi(e) movies of the '80s -- 'Hell of the Living Dead'. And Claudio made an even bigger name for himself for films like 'Zombie 4: After Death', the notoriously bad 'Troll 2' and the 'Troll 2' documentary, 'Best Worst Movie'. Of course their collaboration on this film would be one shunned for years by critics and the academy.
After the directorial-change, many scenes became fair game for re-shoots. None of those scenes became more apparent than the one in the film's finale. We are left with the male and female lead running to a helicopter, with no zombi(e)s around. They sit there in flight, about eight feet off the ground, so the dueteragonist -- the second protagonist -- can jump onto the landing gear and pull himself up into the chopper in dramatic fashion. The logical decision would've been to take off after he got into the helicopter, but that's no fun. As he dangles, several zombies scurry out from underneath 18-inches of hay build-up. Zombi(e)s have a keen sense of surprise. The grab him and pull him down to his death.
Enter: Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso. They wanted this character to have a more honorable death. They reshot him in a field, different from the one he was started in seconds earlier. It's very clear it's not the same field because the nearby buildings are suddenly absent, and there's an overabundance of green grass and hills. He somehow fights off every single zombi(e) without getting bitten. As he runs to safety, the CDC shoots him and he does his best Willem Dafoe -- circa 1986's 'Platoon' -- as he finally gets the hero's death deserving of a second-rate actor in a cheezy zombi(e) movie.
The two leads, now presumably lovers, fly away to the jams of Blue Heart. As ol' Blue gives a speech, warning everyone it is now the year zero, he turns to the camera to find he's actually been a zombi(e) for a good portion of the movie; and although he shows no signs of being a zombi(e) -- like talking, D.J.ing and taking phone requests -- our two leads have somehow caught on to the fact he's a zombi(e).
Patricia: "So it seems like Blue Heart is one of them now. What are we returning to?"
Ken: "We're gonna have to fight it."
Patricia: "Kenny, we're going back to that? To fight?"
Ken: "We're going to back to win -- or humanities done for."
Insert: uplifting rock n' roll number
Hmm...
Yes, all signs point to this movie being terrible:
-Multiple directors
-Bad acting and terrible dialogue
-A self-propelled, flying zombi(e) head
But this movie still has a special place in my heart. I just wish more people would watch this and realize how enjoyably bad it is. There seems to be no middle ground. People either like it because they think it's good, or dislike it because they think it's bad. People's views on this are so one-dimensional. Or maybe, I am just the fool.
On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----15
Redeeming Qualities---12
Rewatchability---------7
Directing/Quality------3
Plot/Storyline----------2
Pacing-----------------4
Dialogue/Writing-------2
Acting-----------------1
TOTAL---------------46
Was this movie worth my time and money? I bought this over ten years ago, so I don't even remember what I paid for it. I'm sure it didn't 'break the bank'; and I can usually find time once a year to watch this, so I'm going to say "yes" to both. I could see some type of statement being attempted, but it falls well short of the larger-scale zombi(e) films of George A. Romero. In the end, science will always prevail. If you're trying to make a statement about the negative effects of fooling around with 'mother nature', you really shouldn't call your virus "Death-1". Such a dumb and obvious name will eliminate any hope of someone looking towards your film for any kind of an allegory. Nevertheless, I can always find a few reasons to recommend this film to a friend -- especially if they enjoy shit; and I don't mean like taking some negatives and wiping feces on it before tossing it in a projector, but the shit that has become known as, 'schlock'.
I had a wedding in Phoenix last weekend. I was asked to officiate; and though I am the couples' friend -- an old pal from high school and his girlfriend of the past I-don't-know-how-many years -- but am I the face you really want to see standing in the background of your family's wedding album? Waking up the day after the wedding with three hours of sleep in me and enough alcohol still in my body to kill a lesser man, it made me wonder what transpired that evening to lead me to the point of waking up on a fold-out couch, with my eyes almost crusted shut.
When I went back to the scene of my indulgence -- the room of the hotel party -- I was frightened at signs of wedding guests unable to keep their shit together. Or perhaps it was a frightening sign of the effect of Sailor Jerry on a man as myself? Clearly, the real culprit here was the Arizona heat -- "it's a dry heat" every local would say to us. I finally saw the damage it could have on a Californian as myself. That Arizona heat must have been responsible for this. It dries you out -- dehydrates you. How could anyone party like this if they knew with every drink of alcohol, you'd have to drink two drinks of water? Clearly, I needed electrolytes.
And some vitamin B.
The scary thing about partying in a hotel room with hard alcohol and red wine is when you finally get to the point where you start drinking red wine -- straight from the bottle, of course -- you've already finished everything else. And red wine has a tendency to leave stains. To walk in to a red wine-stained hotel room is bad. To walk in and, with every step you take, hear the crunch of broken glass and the squish of melted Mike and Ike's show last night's utter lack of respect. And to see the restroom -- the toilet turned about 15 degrees to the left and now on a slant -- that defies everything in the clear-thinking mind of a sober person.
There aren't many times I've said, "fuck it. I'm leaving", but that morning was one of them. It wasn't my hotel room, and none of my money was on the line. I did the only thing a sensible man would do -- I took a couple beers from their fridge, a half of a bottle of Malbec I saw tilted up against the television and I got the fuck out of there and sat pool side, sweating the toxins out.
I was at the hotel on my own dime. I got bat-shit insane because I could. If you're going to go crazy, you have to get paid for it. If you don't, you will be locked up. No one pays you to go to a wedding, so when you wake up to find the damages, run, never look back and deny everything.
Terrorist-Zombi(e)s. Because, why the fuck not... |
Like many Italian horror films of the time, mostly American actors were employed; and when it came time to finish the film, they re-dubbed everyone's voice in English(..?). This movie borrows from a lot of movies of the time. The entire opening theme is a rip-off of 'Return of the Living Dead'. The plot of burning the zombi(e)s and accidentally releasing the ash into the atmosphere, thus creating more zombi(e)s was, again, taken from 'Return of the Living Dead'. And, like 'The Warriors' and 'Vanishing Point', this movie is semi-narrated by a D.J., "Blue Heart".
Blue Heart talks mostly about gibberish, like nature and the ozone layer. Not that "ecological bullshit" is gibberish, but for this movie, it really has no purpose.
After the initial zombi(e) outbreak, which leads to a hotel -- the set for most of this picture -- the film's few zombi(e)s are killed and burned. A large amount of birds flying overhead get infected by the smoke and ash entering the atmosphere through the crematorium smokestacks. This, of course, leads to 'zombi(e) birds'. As a nice backdrop, Blue Heart's favorite band, "Peppy Satan", plays to the tune of a zombi(e) bird-attack scene.
Fast-forward a little bit and we get one of the greatest scenes ever put on film:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yvXxH2fVho
If you can't watch this, find a computer that will support this video. You really need to see this.
Really.
We go back to the off-duty soldiers, hiding where the outbreak saw it's first victims -- a hotel -- with a zombi(e) outbreak in its tenth hour, or so. Why the inside of the hotel is now covered in all kinds of plant vegetation, like an abandoned house of several years, is beyond me. And then, finally, at the 47:00 minute mark, we are given the film's stars. The next 30 minutes is just zombi(e)-filler, pun intended.
One thing I have not mentioned; this movie was filmed by Lucio Fulci. After he left production due to a stroke, Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso took over as directors. About 60% of the final cut was Fulci's material. Bruno Mattei made a name for himself, releasing on of the top three worst zombi(e) movies of the '80s -- 'Hell of the Living Dead'. And Claudio made an even bigger name for himself for films like 'Zombie 4: After Death', the notoriously bad 'Troll 2' and the 'Troll 2' documentary, 'Best Worst Movie'. Of course their collaboration on this film would be one shunned for years by critics and the academy.
After the directorial-change, many scenes became fair game for re-shoots. None of those scenes became more apparent than the one in the film's finale. We are left with the male and female lead running to a helicopter, with no zombi(e)s around. They sit there in flight, about eight feet off the ground, so the dueteragonist -- the second protagonist -- can jump onto the landing gear and pull himself up into the chopper in dramatic fashion. The logical decision would've been to take off after he got into the helicopter, but that's no fun. As he dangles, several zombies scurry out from underneath 18-inches of hay build-up. Zombi(e)s have a keen sense of surprise. The grab him and pull him down to his death.
Enter: Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso. They wanted this character to have a more honorable death. They reshot him in a field, different from the one he was started in seconds earlier. It's very clear it's not the same field because the nearby buildings are suddenly absent, and there's an overabundance of green grass and hills. He somehow fights off every single zombi(e) without getting bitten. As he runs to safety, the CDC shoots him and he does his best Willem Dafoe -- circa 1986's 'Platoon' -- as he finally gets the hero's death deserving of a second-rate actor in a cheezy zombi(e) movie.
The two leads, now presumably lovers, fly away to the jams of Blue Heart. As ol' Blue gives a speech, warning everyone it is now the year zero, he turns to the camera to find he's actually been a zombi(e) for a good portion of the movie; and although he shows no signs of being a zombi(e) -- like talking, D.J.ing and taking phone requests -- our two leads have somehow caught on to the fact he's a zombi(e).
Zombi(e) D.J, Blue Heart |
Patricia: "So it seems like Blue Heart is one of them now. What are we returning to?"
Ken: "We're gonna have to fight it."
Patricia: "Kenny, we're going back to that? To fight?"
Ken: "We're going to back to win -- or humanities done for."
Insert: uplifting rock n' roll number
Hmm...
Yes, all signs point to this movie being terrible:
-Multiple directors
-Bad acting and terrible dialogue
-A self-propelled, flying zombi(e) head
But this movie still has a special place in my heart. I just wish more people would watch this and realize how enjoyably bad it is. There seems to be no middle ground. People either like it because they think it's good, or dislike it because they think it's bad. People's views on this are so one-dimensional. Or maybe, I am just the fool.
On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----15
Redeeming Qualities---12
Rewatchability---------7
Directing/Quality------3
Plot/Storyline----------2
Pacing-----------------4
Dialogue/Writing-------2
Acting-----------------1
TOTAL---------------46
Was this movie worth my time and money? I bought this over ten years ago, so I don't even remember what I paid for it. I'm sure it didn't 'break the bank'; and I can usually find time once a year to watch this, so I'm going to say "yes" to both. I could see some type of statement being attempted, but it falls well short of the larger-scale zombi(e) films of George A. Romero. In the end, science will always prevail. If you're trying to make a statement about the negative effects of fooling around with 'mother nature', you really shouldn't call your virus "Death-1". Such a dumb and obvious name will eliminate any hope of someone looking towards your film for any kind of an allegory. Nevertheless, I can always find a few reasons to recommend this film to a friend -- especially if they enjoy shit; and I don't mean like taking some negatives and wiping feces on it before tossing it in a projector, but the shit that has become known as, 'schlock'.
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