3/25 Manos: The Hands of Fate

3/25/14

Manos: The Hands of Fate 

"There is no way out of here. It will be dark soon. There is no way out of here" ~ Torgo

or: "HANDS: The Hands of Fate"...

IMDB.com Rating: 1.9 out of 10

Availability: Still in print through 'Alpha Video' and very cheap.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF03ZFt8t8w

Watch Online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdTyTRnGn14

MST3K Version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AJVZuQuD6M
OH SHIT! Moment: When you realize the family's 8-year-old daughter has been taken as one of 'The Master's' brides. Eww. But seriously, what the fuck..?!

Food and Beverage Pairing: Nachos and Shiner Bock, with a swig of Pepe Lopez for dessert.

Step One: Place a decent helping of nacho chips on a microwave-safe plate.

Note: You might be tempted to get a chip with infused flavor – maybe a lime or salsa-flavored chip. That won’t be necessary. Just buy a basic chip – the cheaper, the better. I prefer, if you can find it, Gringo George. He’s my favorite of the Gringo-Beatles, right ahead of Gringo Starr. Ehh? Ehh?

…Didn't find that one funny, did you? Too bad. You read it, you can’t UN-read it.

Anyways, top the chips with lots of cheese. I recommend a combination of shredded cheeses and, if you have a block of cheese on hand, a sprinkling of ½ inch cheese chunks. If you really want to get fancy, add some sliced jalapeno, cut-up bell peppers, olives, onions, chives and avocado.

Note: If you’re shredding the cheese yourself, you've already done something wrong. Don’t shred your own cheese. They make great re-sealable packages of cheese which can be found in your local grocer’s dairy aisle. Luxuries such as these are made possible for such this reason. Just buy a bag of that.

Step Two: Microwave.

Maybe when it’s done, top it with some sour cream.

AND, if you’re feeling really spunky,

Step Three: Pour milk into a cup with a good amount of cheese. Microwave and stir. Shazam, pour-able cheese! When you refer to it as “pour-able” it sounds disgusting... oh, well.

            Note: Pour-able cheese is also great for homemade cheese-popcorn, so, yeah.

Now, make sure you have enough Shiners to get you through 70-minutes and you’re ready to rock.

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Before I begin my review, I first want to point out “Manos” means “hands” in Spanish; so in essence, we are watching the 1966 classic, “HANDS: The Hands of Fate”.

A good film is a collaboration. It's good acting, good directing, good cinematography, good writing, good pacing and good other verbs. It's a lot of moving parts which have to work together to make a satisfactory product. Few movies can screw all of those things up and still be watchable. Could "Manos: The Hands of Fate" be one of those movies?

Acid-head, Torgo, seen on the right.

To begin, the director was an insurance and fertilizer salesman. As the old adage goes, "if you're trying to make a movie, don't hire an insurance and fertilizer salesman to direct". The camera used could record 32-seconds worth of film before the reel had to be changed and couldn't record sound. This would've been hell for the editing department; but based on what made it into the film, I'm pretty sure an editing department wasn't employed. The seemingly endless driving sequence at the beginning of the film was meant to show the opening credits; but in a bold move by
insurance and fertilizer salesman turned first-time director/actor/writer/producer, Harold P. Warren, the film goes credit-less, leaving the viewer trapped in a showing of a Warren-family traveling-themed home movie. This credit-less technique was later utilized by George Lucas during his "Star Wars" saga. When dialogue finally begins, the viewer becomes overly creeped-out with the protagonist's daughter; an eight-year-old, voiced by an adult who shittily tries to sound like an eight-year-old. Introduced shortly thereafter, the antagonist's henchman, Torgo; a constantly jittery and lightly shaking actor, feeling the side-effects of acid. No, really. During the entire production, he was reported doing lots of acid. 

Really.

Robert Shaw was known as an amazing actor. When it came time to shoot his most well-known scene -- the U.S.S. Indianapolis monologue, from "Jaws" -- he insisted on drinking scotch before hand. After a few drunken takes, Shaw gave the chilling speech, an indelible performance. Just as Shaw, Torgo, too, was clearly an actor of the old school persuasion. An actor with a brilliance born of lost inhibition.

Watch Torgo in this unforgettable Academy Award-worthy performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKNTaWElUgA.  This is an actor with his finger on the pulse of the acting community's wrist.

Well, it was the '60s, I suppose.
Notice the dog (on the right). This was one of only two cast
members to be paid for their services. He was fed dog food.
The other paid member was an actress, who received a bike.

When we finally get introduced to the antagonist, a.k.a. The Master, he is shown sleeping in his vintage, long, flowing, black robe with two giant red hand prints on the inside, because why the fuck not. The robe is kinda his 'thing'. He wears it as well as anyone could, I guess. We find out he's a total creeper; a polygamist weirdo. His intentions are made apparent by the brilliant Torgo, both of whom want to marry the protagonist's wife. Just when the plot begins to thicken -- the husband being brutally attacked by Torgo, a fully awoken Master, the uncertainty of the family's safety -- we get a tension-relieving shot of a young couple making-out in their car. Do I smell a plot device?

Nope.

After that weird break in suspense, the movie picks back up. The Master's six wives wake-up and begin bickering. As I mentioned previously, 'Manos' was recorded without sound. Insurance/fertilizer-salesman/director/actor/writer/producer, Harold P. Warren, only employed three people to voice-over the entire film. While the wives are all seen yelling at each other, only one actor's voice is heard. From this point on, throw in an all-out wife-brawl, Torgo jonesin' real bad during an acid flashback, a tickle fight (I think?) and 20-minutes of misplaced music and bad lighting, and you have the magic that is "Manos: The Hands of Fate".

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----13
Redeeming Qualities---9
Rewatchability---------7
Directing/Quality------0
Plot/Storyline----------2
Pacing-----------------3
Dialogue/Writing-------2
Acting-----------------1
TOTAL---------------37

So I ask myself, was this worth my time and money? Well, I knew what I was getting into to when I bought this. I display it proudly in my collection. It's complete shit, technically speaking; nonetheless, I still enjoy it. It's terrible, yet terribly awesome. There's very little insight into what the movie is actually about. I think the director is trying to make a statement, but that might be a stretch. I suppose you can draw a correlation between this movie and the death of the 'American family ideals'. This is kind of ahead of its time. This plays out like a stage production, with a Charles Manson-esque antagonist. You could make the argument this is symbolic for the death of the '60s; the end of love and the birth of true fear -- fear of insanity, fear of the counter-culture. The only problem is this movie was made three years before any of these decade-shattering events happened. So, in other words, this movie may as well be full-of-shit; but on the other hand, it's just entertainment -- entertainment done so bad, it's good. I mean, insurance/fertilizer-salesman/director/actor/writer/producer, Harold P. Warren, probably did as good of a job as he possibly could have. At the end of the day, when you lose the temporary moniker of director/actor/writer/producer, he is just Harold P. Warren -- insurance and fertilizer salesman. So, would I recommend it?

Yeah, why not.

This movie, after all, wasn't terrible for everyone. On the plus side, location scout, Stirling Silliphant, did go on to become an award-winning screenwriter with his credits going with the films, "In the Heat of the Night", "The Towering Inferno", "The Poseidon Adventure", Village of the Damned" and the Stallone arm-wrestling classic, "Over the Top"; so, this movie did spawn some form of Hollywood talent...