Welp, it's official. I have a following. A whole one person (who isn't my wife, by the way) viewed my page last week. When I started this blog two years ago, I had no idea of the success that would find me. I've finally found my audience, so I greatly appreciate and formally welcome you. I was planning on taking another two-year break from my blog, but when I saw my blog had a single, lone view, I knew the show must must go on -- if not for me, then for my overwhelming number of fan.

I honestly don't know what to write about. I'm about to come into some free time wherein I'll be going through all of the Godzilla films again. Before I do that, I am going to watch John Carpenter's complete works. I just saw 'Big Trouble in Little China' on Friday. It was a 35 mm print. It reaffirmed my love of that film, and of the filmmaker. After thinking about it all weekend, I came to the conclusion John Carpenter might be my favorite all-time director.

My dilemma now is 'should I spend today writing about John Carpenter'?

In short, no. I want to wait for my John Carpenter-a-thon before I write anything about him. So again, I don't know what to write about. Sure, I could write about how much I love 'Rick and Morty', or why I don't care for Zack Snyder; but on the other hand, meh.

Welp, that's all I got. While I wrote practically nothing here, I am leaving you with a promise, which I'm kinda borrowing from Marvel. Simply put:



The Good, The Bad, and The Schlocky Will Return



Marvel always ends their movies by saying (Superhero) Will Return, in case you didn't understand the reference. Aight, smell ya later, suckas!

Captain America: Civil War

To the two people who have viewed this site in the last month -- or possibly the one person who viewed it twice -- I am writing to say I'm back, sucka(s). I know, I know -- this is exciting and life-changing news. Frankly, I have a lot of downtime at work; and sitting in my office with little to do got me thinking. Like General 'Thunderbolt' Ross, I, too, have gained perspective. Writing is a great creative outlet, and I don't want to lose that part of me to adulthood. Alas, I figured it was high time to dust of the ol' blog and start writing regularly again. Or not. I don't know. We'll see how long I can keep this streak alive. I'm not much of a streak kind-of-guy. My longest current streaks are flossing and running. I've flossed two days in a row and ran once. I mean, I have naturally great dental health, thanks to genetics. And I'm not a tub of blubber. Sure, I could stand more exercise, but running is hard. I like to akin myself to Helen Mirren in that I love workout clothes, just not working out.

So, anyway -- Captain America. Unless you live in a society where you're a mindless zombie, living out your pathetic existence unaware of current events and pop culture -- I'm looking at you, Salt Lake City -- you've probably heard of "movies", or Motion Pictures if you will. First started 120 years ago, these moving pictures have grown to be one of the largest, most profitable forms of entertainment. And in the last eight years, one company has ruled above the rest -- the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). Yes, I know it's called MARVEL; and they are a subsidiary of the even more successful Disney, but let's not get into a debate over studio ownership and earnings. Just roll with me for a minute. Since 2008's 'Iron Man', Marvel has built quite the hot property. Not only have they managed to bring to life childhood heroes, but do it in a way that didn't alienate the average movie-goer, and bring justice and legitimacy to the sub-genre of comic book movies. Each film has its own tone and specific direction, as highlighted by whoever mans the director's chair. 'Iron Man' was a fluke. No one realized the full potential, which is crazy to think being that Jon Favreau was at the helm. Sure, 'The Incredible Hulk' wasn't the smash that Universal hoped for, but the Easter Egg ending did nothing but generate excitement for the future of what would become the MCU. A rushed 'Iron Man' sequel was sub par to some, however I would argue the first act and fight sequences are pretty well-done. Kenneth Branagh lended himself nicely to the fourth entry in the MCU, 2011's 'Thor'; followed by Spielberg protege Joe Johnston's 'Captain America: The First Avenger'. In that film, we see the origin of Captain America. It has a 1950s Saturday Matinee Serial quality which I liken to 'Indiana Jones' (directed by Spielberg). And then the unimaginable happened. No, the bottom didn't fall out. It was the opposite, to be exact. Marvel had their biggest undertaking -- a team-up film incorporating all of those solo acts and then some. 2012's 'The Avengers', led perfectly by director Joss Whedon, managed to give plenty of screen time to all of the heroes while building a storyline that pleased even the most moderate fans.

You know what? I feel like I boring you. Yeah, Marvel has been great. Their directors have been great. Their Netflix originals were great. Even the ABC shows are entertaining. 'The Avengers' ended their first four-year run known as Phase One. Phase Two has since come and gone, giving the world some of the MCU's strongest entries ('Guardians of the Galaxy', 'Ant-Man', 'Avengers: Age of Ultron', 'Captain America: The Winter Soldier', 'Daredevil', and 'Jessica Jones', to name a few). With Phase Three officially kicking off with 'Captain America: Civil War', I'm left feeling both excited and remorseful. I'll get to the former in a few sentences. As for the latter, well, I left the theater opening night astonished by what I saw. But as I drove into work the next morning, a hint of sadness came about. I came to the realization 'Captain America: Civil War' may be the finest superhero film ever made and may never be eclipsed, especially by any other entry in the MCU. Nevertheless, I find beauty in most movies (even when I have to wade through proverbial shit on celluloid), and I have a lot of faith in the big names Marvel has brought in to pen scripts, produce, direct, and act in the third act of their already epic saga.

Captain America: Civil War

IMDB.com Rating: 8.5 out of 10

Availability: In theaters.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKrVegVI0Us

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Steven Spielberg made a comment on the future of superhero films, stating he believes they are going the way of the Western (implying the genre is going to die soon). Zack Snyder agreed, but not before taking exception of his movie, 'Batman V. Superman', calling his flick "transcendent" of the superhero genre. In retrospect, I think he may have actually been speaking of rival film, 'Captain America: Civil War'. Now, as a film buff with a passion for most things nerdy, I take the adult approach to comic book movies -- I don't have to choose sides. I can sit back and just enjoy a film for what it is (although if I had to choose, it would be a very easy decision -- Marvel). But if DC really want to get their cinematic universe right, they should use the bench mark set by Marvel as a template. I understand they are playing catch up, but just a few years ago, they squandered the promise of their hottest property in Batman by sitting on the franchise and trying to launch the Superman franchise instead. While they have taken the 'everything and the kitchen sink' approach by flooding fans with anything they can without lending a sense of a shared universe between their properties, Marvel, through strategic planning and a good amount of luck, has crafted a Brand Name. In a perfect world, I would love to see both franchises as equals; and based on Affleck's Batman, Gadot's Wonder Woman, and a few other bright spots, they have a shot of doing so. But I'm not here to discuss that, so on to 'Cap 3'.

I will try and keep this as spoiler-free as possible. No promises.

As flocks of fans gather this weekend to see the upcoming chapter in the MCU, they will leave hard-pressed to find a finer superhero film. At this point, Marvel has created an empire capable of anything. The question on most people's minds before 'Civil War' was if it would be good or not. All of the early reviews reassured the world it was good. And while art is subjective, this stands out unanimously as both a critical and box office success, reaching the $200 million mark before its US release. On paper, it sounded like a risky plan; but Marvel has damn-near perfected the 'team-up' movie. What 'Civil War' did was turn some of the most iconic figures of the comic book world into real people. Real people aren't good or evil. I mean, yes, some of us turn out to be assholes like Hitler, but even the best of us can't be perfect all the time. 'Civil War' made all of Earth's Mightiest Heroes a villain in one way or another. The film plays on morals and accountability. It also features the additions of some new faces to the MCU, primarily Chadwick Boseman's Black Panther, and Tom Holland's Spider-man. The brilliance of those two (other than their portrayals of their characters) is how they are woven into the storyline almost seamlessly. Additionally, the film also sports one of the best set pieces in the MCU, an airport runway fight sequence. Spanning over 15 minutes, I spent most of it with my mouth wide open, smiling. The tension builds from minute one to a true spectacle of a climax.  By the film's end, I left both exhausted and enthusiastic. What I watched was an epic. It takes the viewer all over the world, and delivers every punch beautifully. From a cinematic perspective, 'Civil War' is a true work of art, taking panels directly out of the comics and turns it into proverbial nerd porn. I don't really know what to say about that analogy other than I said it, and now I can't un-say it. I don't know -- it sounds okay, right? 

I kinda lost my train of thought, forcing this review to a screeching, and sudden halt. Anyway, see 'Civil War'. It's shot beautifully. It's written in a way that won't alienate casual fans. The Russo brothers really outdid themselves. It's worth the $12, or whatever movies cost. I really should know, I go to enough movies. Let's say $12. Additionally, 12 is also the largest funny number. When people work a number into a joke, it's best to do a one-syllable number. Typically, one-syllable numbers are funnier, especially when you take into account some of the more outlandish numbers, like fifty-seven thousand or twenty-two. 12 is the largest one-syllable number, as it works really well when exaggerating hours or days. It is also great for lists and totals like "I saw 'Civil War 12 times!" I mean, a lot can be said about your delivery, too; and in no way was that last example indicative of me -- I've only seen 'Civil War' once; but I'm going to see it again. In conclusion, I thought about how to end this and I thought it okay to end it with "in conclusion".

I'm not going to proofread this, so sorry for any poorly-written sentences.

'Manos: The Hand of Fate' republished

Originally printed in  the 3/25/14 publication titled, "Give a man an inch, he’ll inch a mile. Teach a man to inch, he’ll inch all day"

Manos: The Hands of Fate 

"There is no way out of here. It will be dark soon. There is no way out of here" ~ Torgo

or: "HANDS: The Hands of Fate"...

IMDB.com Rating: 1.9 out of 10

Availability: Still in print through 'Alpha Video' and very cheap.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF03ZFt8t8w

Watch Online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdTyTRnGn14

MST3K Version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AJVZuQuD6M
OH SHIT! Moment: When you realize the family's 8-year-old daughter has been taken as one of 'The Master's' brides. Eww. But seriously, what the fuck..?!

Food and Beverage Pairing: Nachos and Shiner Bock, with a swig of Pepe Lopez for dessert.

Step One: Place a decent helping of nacho chips on a microwave-safe plate.

Note: You might be tempted to get a chip with infused flavor – maybe a lime or salsa-flavored chip. That won’t be necessary. Just buy a basic chip – the cheaper, the better. I prefer, if you can find it, Gringo George. He’s my favorite of the Gringo-Beatles, right ahead of Gringo Starr. Ehh? Ehh?

…Didn't find that one funny, did you? Too bad. You read it, you can’t UN-read it.

Anyways, top the chips with lots of cheese. I recommend a combination of shredded cheeses and, if you have a block of cheese on hand, a sprinkling of ½ inch cheese chunks. If you really want to get fancy, add some sliced jalapeno, cut-up bell peppers, olives, onions, chives and avocado.

Note: If you’re shredding the cheese yourself, you've already done something wrong. Don’t shred your own cheese. They make great re-sealable packages of cheese which can be found in your local grocer’s dairy aisle. Luxuries such as these are made possible for such this reason. Just buy a bag of that.

Step Two: Microwave.

Maybe when it’s done, top it with some sour cream.

AND, if you’re feeling really spunky,

Step Three: Pour milk into a cup with a good amount of cheese. Microwave and stir. Shazam, pour-able cheese! When you refer to it as “pour-able” it sounds disgusting... oh, well.

            Note: Pour-able cheese is also great for homemade cheese-popcorn, so, yeah.

Now, make sure you have enough Shiners to get you through 70-minutes and you’re ready to rock.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Before I begin my review, I first want to point out “Manos” means “hands” in Spanish; so in essence, we are watching the 1966 classic, “HANDS: The Hands of Fate”.

A good film is a collaboration. It's good acting, good directing, good cinematography, good writing, good pacing and good other verbs. It's a lot of moving parts which have to work together to make a satisfactory product. Few movies can screw all of those things up and still be watchable. Could "Manos: The Hands of Fate" be one of those movies?

Acid-head, Torgo, seen on the right.

To begin, the director was an insurance and fertilizer salesman. As the old adage goes, "if you're trying to make a movie, don't hire an insurance and fertilizer salesman to direct". The camera used could record 32-seconds worth of film before the reel had to be changed and couldn't record sound. This would've been hell for the editing department; but based on what made it into the film, I'm pretty sure an editing department wasn't employed. The seemingly endless driving sequence at the beginning of the film was meant to show the opening credits; but in a bold move by
insurance and fertilizer salesman turned first-time director/actor/writer/producer, Harold P. Warren, the film goes credit-less, leaving the viewer trapped in a showing of a Warren-family traveling-themed home movie. This credit-less technique was later utilized by George Lucas during his "Star Wars" saga. When dialogue finally begins, the viewer becomes overly creeped-out with the protagonist's daughter; an eight-year-old, voiced by an adult who shittily tries to sound like an eight-year-old. Introduced shortly thereafter, the antagonist's henchman, Torgo; a constantly jittery and lightly shaking actor, feeling the side-effects of acid. No, really. During the entire production, he was reported doing lots of acid. 

Really.

Robert Shaw was known as an amazing actor. When it came time to shoot his most well-known scene -- the U.S.S. Indianapolis monologue, from "Jaws" -- he insisted on drinking scotch before hand. After a few drunken takes, Shaw gave the chilling speech, an indelible performance. Just as Shaw, Torgo, too, was clearly an actor of the old school persuasion. An actor with a brilliance born of lost inhibition.

Watch Torgo in this unforgettable Academy Award-worthy performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKNTaWElUgA.  This is an actor with his finger on the pulse of the acting community's wrist.

Well, it was the '60s, I suppose.
Notice the dog (on the right). This was one of only two cast
members to be paid for their services. He was fed dog food.
The other paid member was an actress, who received a bike.

When we finally get introduced to the antagonist, a.k.a. The Master, he is shown sleeping in his vintage, long, flowing, black robe with two giant red hand prints on the inside, because why the fuck not. The robe is kinda his 'thing'. He wears it as well as anyone could, I guess. We find out he's a total creeper; a polygamist weirdo. His intentions are made apparent by the brilliant Torgo, both of whom want to marry the protagonist's wife. Just when the plot begins to thicken -- the husband being brutally attacked by Torgo, a fully awoken Master, the uncertainty of the family's safety -- we get a tension-relieving shot of a young couple making-out in their car. Do I smell a plot device?

Nope.

After that weird break in suspense, the movie picks back up. The Master's six wives wake-up and begin bickering. As I mentioned previously, 'Manos' was recorded without sound. Insurance/fertilizer-salesman/director/actor/writer/producer, Harold P. Warren, only employed three people to voice-over the entire film. While the wives are all seen yelling at each other, only one actor's voice is heard. From this point on, throw in an all-out wife-brawl, Torgo jonesin' real bad during an acid flashback, a tickle fight (I think?) and 20-minutes of misplaced music and bad lighting, and you have the magic that is "Manos: The Hands of Fate".

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----13
Redeeming Qualities---9
Rewatchability---------7
Directing/Quality------0
Plot/Storyline----------2
Pacing-----------------3
Dialogue/Writing-------2
Acting-----------------1
TOTAL---------------37

So I ask myself, was this worth my time and money? Well, I knew what I was getting into to when I bought this. I display it proudly in my collection. It's complete shit, technically speaking; nonetheless, I still enjoy it. It's terrible, yet terribly awesome. There's very little insight into what the movie is actually about. I think the director is trying to make a statement, but that might be a stretch. I suppose you can draw a correlation between this movie and the death of the 'American family ideals'. This is kind of ahead of its time. This plays out like a stage production, with a Charles Manson-esque antagonist. You could make the argument this is symbolic for the death of the '60s; the end of love and the birth of true fear -- fear of insanity, fear of the counter-culture. The only problem is this movie was made three years before any of these decade-shattering events happened. So, in other words, this movie may as well be full-of-shit; but on the other hand, it's just entertainment -- entertainment done so bad, it's good. I mean, insurance/fertilizer-salesman/director/actor/writer/producer, Harold P. Warren, probably did as good of a job as he possibly could have. At the end of the day, when you lose the temporary moniker of director/actor/writer/producer, he is just Harold P. Warren -- insurance and fertilizer salesman. So, would I recommend it?

Yeah, why not.

This movie, after all, wasn't terrible for everyone. On the plus side, location scout, Stirling Silliphant, did go on to become an award-winning screenwriter with his credits going with the films, "In the Heat of the Night", "The Towering Inferno", "The Poseidon Adventure", Village of the Damned" and the Stallone arm-wrestling classic, "Over the Top"; so, this movie did spawn some form of Hollywood talent...

Dinosaur Island clip

Sorry for the lack of posts from the last two weeks. I've been enjoying traveling and haven't found time to write (but with a grand total of zero followers, I can see that's probably not affecting any of my readers). Additionally, I was ready to start posting last week; but our internet went down. It'll be down for a couple more days and sending posts from my phone is a hassle. Welp, enjoy.

Quick Reviews: The SLEEPAWAY CAMP Trilogy

SLEEPAWAY CAMP

"Burt Reynolds?"

IMDB.com Rating: 6.1 out of 10

Availability: In-print and moderately-priced.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaAcitYY4OU

Watch Online: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pjjuFT6QF4
OH SHIT! Moment: The finale, when you're shown a real doozy of an ending.

Beverage: A Campfire Confessional

Ingredients:

• 2 oz cognac (Hennessy recommended)
• ¾ oz fresh lemon juice
• ¾ oz fresh orange juice
• ¾ oz Pok Pok Som honey drinking vinegar
• 1 oz water
• 3 dashes Angostura bitters
• 1 pinch fresh herbs: a free-form mixture of rosemary, thyme, sweet woodruff, or anything edible you find on the forest floor

Method:

Shake everything up in a mason jar. Screw the lid on tight. Stick the jar in your backpack (or refrigerator, since you're probably watching this at home). Drink around sundown. No ice required.

_________________________________________________________________________________

At Camp Arawak, boys and girls can mingle and experience the joys nature together. There's a lake, baseball fields, plenty of woods -- lots of stuff to keep a young child occupied. Unfortunately, some of the campers have a tendency to end up dead; but pay no mind to that -- why, it's just a hazard of being young. I mean, sure, it's not often a kid gets dismembered when away at camp, but accidents will happen; and, boys will be boys...

Tonight's triple feature is the 'Sleepaway Camp' trilogy. Yes, I'm aware it's actually a pentalogy; but for all intents and purposes, tonight -- it's a trilogy. 

This film is your typical slasher with a nice twist at the end. Next to 'Pieces', 'Sleepaway Camp' is probably the second most shocking ending to a horror film. Additionally, this movie is like a fine wine, getting better with age. Every viewing of the movie makes me love it more and more; which says a lot since the director only has a handful of films to his credit (both as a director and crew member), all of them having the words "Sleepaway" and "Camp" in the title. Basically what I'm saying -- for a novice, Robert Hiltzik did a pretty good job. 

In the cast, the only real noteworthy actor is James Earl Jones. . .'s dad, Robert Earl Jones. He plays Ben, the assistant chef. In the kitchen with him is Artie, a real creeper. "There ain't no such thing as being too young. You're just too old" he tells Ben. Additionally, the camp is run by an insensitive creeper, Mel (Mike Kellin, 'Midnight Express). But unlike the aforementioned Artie, Mel prefers to cop a feel on the older campers. And of course, playing the lead of Angela is Felissa Rose.

After the death of her father and twin sibling eight years prior, Angela and her cousin Ricky are shipped off to summer camp by their thespian-esque aunt/mother. Once they arrive, Angela gets picked on, Ricky constantly comes to her rescue and someone starts murdering everyone who's been causing Angela grief. With awesomely bad acting from Ricky, the movie plays out like any violent camp/slasher would -- with lots of deaths, corny backtalk and a baseball game. 

In honor of Joe Bob Briggs, we have:
13 deaths
Death-by-bees, while sitting on a toilet
A curling iron in the no-no parts
A chef burnt to Toxic Avenger-levels
Bloody shower knifing
An arrow through the throat
Gratuitous softball-playing
Gratuitous snake slithering out of dead kid's mouth
Gratuitous water balloon fight
And a special mention to Karen Fields's portrayal of the incredible bitch, Judy (below), for the line, "(You're) a real carpenter's dream -- flat as a board and in need of a screw!"

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----18
Redeeming Qualities--17
Rewatchability---------10

Fun/Special Effects---10

Directing/Quality------8
Plot/Storyline----------6
Pacing-----------------8
Dialogue/Acting-------3
TOTAL---------------80

FINAL TOTAL W/ BONUS POINTS --- 81.3

SLEEPAWAY CAMP 2: UNHAPPY CAMPERS

"He went into a psycho ward a couple of years ago and while he was there, the doctors gave him a sex change. . . and our parents' taxes paid for it..."

IMDB.com Rating: 5.6 out of 10

Availability: Out-of-print and usually cheap.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AU6exaM9O8g

Watch Online: Oddly, not on YouTube

_________________________________________

"What are you staring at? Haven't you even seen a pair of boobs before?"

"Aww, leave her alone, Ally. I mean, she's only looking at that long black hair growing out of your nipple."

Oh, 'Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers'. How poetic your dialogue is. Angela's back... and this time, she's all girl. 

Playing the role of Angela is Bruce Springsteen's sister, Pamela; and one of the most frightening scenes of the film is when she sings the "happy campers" song. Musically talented, she is not. Acting next to her is Renee' Estevez, Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez's sister. 

'Unhappy Campers' finds Angela sneaking her way back into camp because she, for some reason, loves it so much; and this time, she's a camp counselor. After winning "Counselor of the Week", you'd think she could do no wrong; but once she starts offing the bad campers, everyone starts causing a panic. Leading the charge of rotten campers is Ally, who goes topless at least half of the movie. 

This entry in the 'Sleepaway Camp' series is relatively plot-less. It's basically 79 minutes of Angela killing people -- which is pretty cool, by the way.

For this film, we have:
19 dead bodies
6 breasts
Burning
Drilling
Bludgeoning with a branch
Chainsawing
Tongue-cutting
Throat-slashing
Back-stabbing
Drowning in a leech-filled out-house 
Strangling
BBQ-ed to death
Acid in the face
Decapitation
And Angela dresses as 'Leatherface' to kill two campers dressed as Freddy and Jason

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----14
Redeeming Qualities--17
Rewatchability---------7

Fun/Special Effects---8

Directing/Quality------3
Plot/Storyline----------2
Pacing-----------------7
Dialogue/Acting-------2
TOTAL---------------59

FINAL TOTAL W/ BONUS POINT --- 60.9

SLEEPAWAY CAMP 3: TEENAGE WASTELAND

"I've never chopped wood before... but I've chopped other things."

IMDB.com Rating: 5.1 out of 10

Availability: Out-of-print and usually cheap.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6FOYjm7Yqc

Watch Online: You're just going to have to buy this.

______________________________________________

"What's a fantastic way to begin a film", you ask? With someone getting run-the-fuck-over by a tractor trailer driven by Angela. If you haven't guessed it by now, the final film of the night if 'Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland'.

This entry has Pamela Springsteen reprising her role as Angela. Starring beside her is Tracy Griffith (Melanie Griffith's sister), and academy-award nominee, Michael J. Pollard.

Dressed up as an inner city girl's doppelganger, Angela offs her young thug lookalike by running her over with a stolen truck. Posing as the girl, Angela sneaks her way into a new summer camp -- one specifically for rich kids and inner city punks. Angela begins to suspect everyone is evil and begins killing again; and, again, we have another plot-less film. But don't let that stop you from watching, because this is almost as entertaining as its predecessor. The film's best moments -- an homage; while fishing, Angela reels in a hockey mask like the one Jason wears. She asks what day it is, and someone replies "Saturday the 14th". And let's not forget when Angela gives a newswoman some fake cocaine. As she overdoses, Angela says, "one of the dangers of being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is pure" -- so, you can see the writing is just as well-done as the second film, too.

For tonight's finale, we have:
17 deaths
8 breasts
An exploding fish
Bludgeoning with a branch
Face-exploding
Burning
Decapitation
Head-smashing
Buried from the neck down in trash while head get run-over with a lawnmower
Limb-ripping
Shooting
An overly-racist valley girl
A hip-hop-loving inner city guy with a boombox (who, SIDENOTE: plays the same instrumental song throughout the entire film)
And one really bad daydream if Angela singing the 'happy campers' song and being applauded for it.

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----13
Redeeming Qualities--11
Rewatchability---------5
Fun/Special Effects---6
Directing/Quality------3
Plot/Storyline----------2
Pacing-----------------6
Dialogue/Acting-------2
TOTAL---------------48

FINAL TOTAL W/ BONUS POINTS --- 49.7

6/5 The Burning

THE BURNING

"Man, this guy's burned so bad, he's cooked. A fuckin' Big Mac. Overdone."

IMDB.com Rating: 6.4 out of 10

Availability: In-print and moderately-priced.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbBCP7VKM-E

Watch Online: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmstVaD7b9M
OH SHIT! Moment: The Jim Varney-esque Woodstock, played by Fisher Stevens, gets his finger chopped off as he and his entire raft of five get murdered.

Beverage: A Bloody Muddy Mary

Ingredients:

3 oz tomato juice

1 1/2 oz vodka

1/2 oz lemon juice

1 dash Worcestershire sauce 

celery salt, ground pepper, hot pepper sauce to taste, celery stalk and/or pickle spear for garnish, lemon and/or lime wedge for garnish

Method:Build the liquid ingredients in a highball glass over ice cubes. Mix well. Add the seasonings to taste. Garnish with the lemon and/or lime wedge and celery stalk.

_________________________________________________________________________________

A creepy, camp caretaker, called Cropsey, at Camp Blackfoot (talk about alliteration!) gets his comeuppance when a group of summer camp pranksters accidentally set him on fire. How zany! Five years later, the hospital is forced to release the burn victim back into society; and all he can think of is getting bloody revenge. Tonight's movie is 'The Burning' from 1981.

Tom Savini is at it again with special-effects and plenty of gags that help make this brilliant slasher flick "gory as hell" (slasherpool.com). Starring, we have Brian Matthews from 'Crime Stopper' and Leah Ayres from 'Bloodsport'. Brian Backer from 'Fast Times at Ridgemount High' is also featured; as well as 'Seinfeld's Jason Alexander and Holly Hunter, who I personally love in 'Broadcast News', 'Raising Arizona' and Steven Spielberg's 'Always'. Fisher Stevens also makes an appearance, who later went on to act in 'Short Circuit'. This marks an early release from the now hugely-famous Weinstein Brothers, and their Miramax company . Based on the real-life killer, Cropsey, this was the second movie of 1981 to feature a murderer of that influence (SEE: 'Madman'). Rounding out the cast and crew is Rick Wakeman (of Yes) who did the film's score.

I wonder if he had to deal with "shrinkage" during the swimming scenes..?

When the aforementioned prank goes wrong, a summer camp's evil caretaker is left badly burned. After skin grafts fail, Cropsey is forced to leave the hospital. "You gotta forgive the kids", the doctors tell him; but adjusting to normal life is hard when you have a face like a  half-melted candle and the body of the Toxic Avenger. He begins his rampage the Frank Zito way, by killing a hooker. Unique is the cinematography, as it appears they smeared petroleum jelly on the camera for the killer's P.O.V. 

As we become introduced to the campers and counselors, the real standout is Alfred; played by Brian Backer. Alfred is the usual weirdo kid who can't swim and doesn't talk. Classic Alfred, he gets caught peeping in the girls' shower. Todd and Michelle are the head counselors, played by Brian Matthews and Leah Ayres. Then there's the Jim Varney-esque Woodstock (Fisher Stevens), another zany misfit. Dave is the obnoxious one, played by a still fully-haired Jason Alexander. Lastly, there's the wild card, Glazer. He's butt-ass ugly; but the girls love him because he has muscles. I hate him because I generally hate people who are attractive. It's a competitive nature-thing (although he really is butt-ass ugly, and his "muscles" look like well-placed flab). Oh, and he's an incredible dickweed. 

As the campers get ready for a float trip and overnight camp-out, Cropsey starts making his way around the summer camp. Country twang music plays as the group begins their float. It's a joyfully corny scene. In the morning, two of the campers, Karen and Eddy, leave to 'do it' in the woods. Offended by the latter's over-aggressiveness, Karen leaves, getting offed on her way back to camp. Eddy makes it back fine but Todd and Michelle quickly discover his booty call's missing; and so are the canoes. With a shitty, homemade raft, Woodstock and four others attempt to paddle back to camp. They find one of the canoes floating idly; but when they float up to it, out jumps Cropsey, killing all five viciously. In the woods, Glazer and his main squeeze proceed to get it on; but after Glazer painfully power-thrusts his way out of virginity and... comes up short... they both die bloody, horrible deaths at the hands -- or blades -- of a bush trimmer. Cropsey finally finds his way to Todd, because, SHOCKER: they have a dark history together. Now, Cropsey must duke it out with Todd and Alfred, making for an exciting ending.

Classic Woodstock -- that zany misfit! Always getting himself into trouble.

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----20
Redeeming Qualities--18
Rewatchability---------10

Fun/Special Effects---10

Directing/Quality------7
Plot/Storyline----------7
Pacing-----------------9
Dialogue/Acting-------6
TOTAL---------------87

TOTAL POINTS W/ BONUS INCLUDED: 88

'The Burning' is a lot of fun. It's campy, bloody, and even has a few good scares. I have yet to rate a film this high. My scale isn't about finding movies that are true cinematic achievements that shape the course of film-making, the likes of which have never been seen before. My scale is based on finding movies I really enjoy; and 'The Burning' -- well, that, I really enjoy. And in honor of Joe Bob Briggs; for the record, we have:

The "muscle-bound" dickweed, Glazer (on the right)

10 deaths (1 bonus point)
4 breasts
1 hooker death

Gratuitous blood
Finger-hedging
Limb-tossing
Forehead-slicing
Throat-stabbing
Flame-thrower fu
Hedger fu
Best of 1981. 4 Stars. Tony says, "check it out".

Quick Reviews: MADMAN

MADMAN

"It all started during a campfire at North Sea Cottages, a special retreat for gifted children. . ."

IMDB.com Rating: 5.2 out of 10

Availability: Out-of-print and very expensive

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVuBy_F_oiA

Watch Online: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCRBWxFpfQ4

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Out of the success of 'Halloween' and 'Friday the 13th', 'Madman' was born. The movie begins simple enough -- with a one-man musical number. It's a circle of camp counselors and kids, sitting around a fire. The next person to entertain everyone is the head counselor. He tells a story about a farmer who killed his wife and kids. When the farmer was caught, the townspeople hanged him and left him for dead; but when they came back in the morning, his body was gone. Since then, he comes out to murder only when his name is uttered; so, of course, one of the kids jokingly yells the name of "Madman Marz".

Based on the Cropsey maniac (which was also the basis for 'The Burning', released the same year), 'Madman' was an all-out bloodbath about a malicious brute. There's heavy similarities between this and 'Friday the 13th'; but what 'Madman' most has to be proud of is the clear influence it had on the genre -- primarily, films like the 'Hatchet' trilogy.

This is one of the more-entertaining body count slashers, racking up 10 kills. By axe, knife or hand, Marz kills the counselors off in various ways -- hanging, neck-breaking, burning, stabbing, axing, throat-slashing, fist-pounding, wall-hooking and seldom-seen car hood-decapitation. It's the over-the-top violence which separates 'Madman' from many other slashers of the early '80s. 

There are very few dull moments in the film. The music, primarily at the beginning and end, is awesome. The killing kinda overrides the film so you're not looking at too much character-development; but the film manages to pace itself pretty well. Goofy dialogue and corny acting were common characteristics for a 1980s (or anytime, really) slasher film, so that's not too distracting. All-in-all, 'Madman' is a pretty solid effort; "one of the all-time drive-in movies" ~ Joe Bob Briggs.


And if you decide to buy this movie (because, despite it being expensive, it's worth it), buy the Anchor Bay version. Although I very much like Code Red, their release (I've heard) isn't as good of a transfer and might be missing a scene.Well-worth your time. Tony says, "check it out". 4 Stars. Best of 1981.

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----18
Redeeming Qualities--18 (2 points for end music, primarily since it's a song about the movie. SEE: 'Maniac Cop 2')
Rewatchability---------8
Fun/Special Effects---8
Directing/Quality------7
Plot/Storyline----------7
Pacing-----------------7
Dialogue/Acting-------5
TOTAL---------------78

Bonus points for kills (10)---1.0
FINAL TOTAL: 79