6/5 The Burning

THE BURNING

"Man, this guy's burned so bad, he's cooked. A fuckin' Big Mac. Overdone."

IMDB.com Rating: 6.4 out of 10

Availability: In-print and moderately-priced.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbBCP7VKM-E

Watch Online: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmstVaD7b9M
OH SHIT! Moment: The Jim Varney-esque Woodstock, played by Fisher Stevens, gets his finger chopped off as he and his entire raft of five get murdered.

Beverage: A Bloody Muddy Mary

Ingredients:

3 oz tomato juice

1 1/2 oz vodka

1/2 oz lemon juice

1 dash Worcestershire sauce 

celery salt, ground pepper, hot pepper sauce to taste, celery stalk and/or pickle spear for garnish, lemon and/or lime wedge for garnish

Method:Build the liquid ingredients in a highball glass over ice cubes. Mix well. Add the seasonings to taste. Garnish with the lemon and/or lime wedge and celery stalk.

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A creepy, camp caretaker, called Cropsey, at Camp Blackfoot (talk about alliteration!) gets his comeuppance when a group of summer camp pranksters accidentally set him on fire. How zany! Five years later, the hospital is forced to release the burn victim back into society; and all he can think of is getting bloody revenge. Tonight's movie is 'The Burning' from 1981.

Tom Savini is at it again with special-effects and plenty of gags that help make this brilliant slasher flick "gory as hell" (slasherpool.com). Starring, we have Brian Matthews from 'Crime Stopper' and Leah Ayres from 'Bloodsport'. Brian Backer from 'Fast Times at Ridgemount High' is also featured; as well as 'Seinfeld's Jason Alexander and Holly Hunter, who I personally love in 'Broadcast News', 'Raising Arizona' and Steven Spielberg's 'Always'. Fisher Stevens also makes an appearance, who later went on to act in 'Short Circuit'. This marks an early release from the now hugely-famous Weinstein Brothers, and their Miramax company . Based on the real-life killer, Cropsey, this was the second movie of 1981 to feature a murderer of that influence (SEE: 'Madman'). Rounding out the cast and crew is Rick Wakeman (of Yes) who did the film's score.

I wonder if he had to deal with "shrinkage" during the swimming scenes..?

When the aforementioned prank goes wrong, a summer camp's evil caretaker is left badly burned. After skin grafts fail, Cropsey is forced to leave the hospital. "You gotta forgive the kids", the doctors tell him; but adjusting to normal life is hard when you have a face like a  half-melted candle and the body of the Toxic Avenger. He begins his rampage the Frank Zito way, by killing a hooker. Unique is the cinematography, as it appears they smeared petroleum jelly on the camera for the killer's P.O.V. 

As we become introduced to the campers and counselors, the real standout is Alfred; played by Brian Backer. Alfred is the usual weirdo kid who can't swim and doesn't talk. Classic Alfred, he gets caught peeping in the girls' shower. Todd and Michelle are the head counselors, played by Brian Matthews and Leah Ayres. Then there's the Jim Varney-esque Woodstock (Fisher Stevens), another zany misfit. Dave is the obnoxious one, played by a still fully-haired Jason Alexander. Lastly, there's the wild card, Glazer. He's butt-ass ugly; but the girls love him because he has muscles. I hate him because I generally hate people who are attractive. It's a competitive nature-thing (although he really is butt-ass ugly, and his "muscles" look like well-placed flab). Oh, and he's an incredible dickweed. 

As the campers get ready for a float trip and overnight camp-out, Cropsey starts making his way around the summer camp. Country twang music plays as the group begins their float. It's a joyfully corny scene. In the morning, two of the campers, Karen and Eddy, leave to 'do it' in the woods. Offended by the latter's over-aggressiveness, Karen leaves, getting offed on her way back to camp. Eddy makes it back fine but Todd and Michelle quickly discover his booty call's missing; and so are the canoes. With a shitty, homemade raft, Woodstock and four others attempt to paddle back to camp. They find one of the canoes floating idly; but when they float up to it, out jumps Cropsey, killing all five viciously. In the woods, Glazer and his main squeeze proceed to get it on; but after Glazer painfully power-thrusts his way out of virginity and... comes up short... they both die bloody, horrible deaths at the hands -- or blades -- of a bush trimmer. Cropsey finally finds his way to Todd, because, SHOCKER: they have a dark history together. Now, Cropsey must duke it out with Todd and Alfred, making for an exciting ending.

Classic Woodstock -- that zany misfit! Always getting himself into trouble.

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----20
Redeeming Qualities--18
Rewatchability---------10

Fun/Special Effects---10

Directing/Quality------7
Plot/Storyline----------7
Pacing-----------------9
Dialogue/Acting-------6
TOTAL---------------87

TOTAL POINTS W/ BONUS INCLUDED: 88

'The Burning' is a lot of fun. It's campy, bloody, and even has a few good scares. I have yet to rate a film this high. My scale isn't about finding movies that are true cinematic achievements that shape the course of film-making, the likes of which have never been seen before. My scale is based on finding movies I really enjoy; and 'The Burning' -- well, that, I really enjoy. And in honor of Joe Bob Briggs; for the record, we have:

The "muscle-bound" dickweed, Glazer (on the right)

10 deaths (1 bonus point)
4 breasts
1 hooker death

Gratuitous blood
Finger-hedging
Limb-tossing
Forehead-slicing
Throat-stabbing
Flame-thrower fu
Hedger fu
Best of 1981. 4 Stars. Tony says, "check it out".