6/4 Twisted Nightmare

TWISTED NIGHTMARE

"Hey! Don't ever call me a pussy!" ~ Dean

IMDB.com Rating: 4.3 out of 10

Availability: Only on VHS and expensive

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4O20o7-60I

Watch Online: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R_xhxmxqpo

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There was a time when evil incarnate was real -- a time when fear ate away at sanity -- a time when a slammed door or sudden foot step produced a Casio keyboard sound. This was the time of 'Twisted Nightmare'. Seven young couples receive invitations to a vacation at the rural, hillbilly, Camp Paradise. Unbeknownst to them until they arrive, the person -- or thing -- that sent the invitations wasn't anyone in their party. This macabre reunion has a dark side -- the entire group was partially responsible for the death of Matthew, a mentally handicapped boy, two years prior. And by "partially responsible", I mean the girls flirted with him and he inexplicably bursted into flames. Their holiday becomes a nightmare -- a Twisted nightmare... The deadly terror -- an age-old demonic force that lives in a barn (or so the first five minutes tell us) -- manifests itself in the form of Matthew. That's right, Matthews back -- and he's a lot smarter now. . . It's like 'House on Haunted Hill'; but more of a 'Hootenanny on Hillbilly Hollow'. And all that junk about the ancient evil -- yeah, it's not actually in the plot.

Fortunately for the vacationers, they have an uncomfortably buff Asian friend who came packing heat. With a crossbow, nun-chucks, hand gun, sniper rifle, and a hunting knife, you'd think they'd have a decent shot at beating Matthew -- except Matthew is apparently a wild-haired silhouette who produces industrial music when he chases people. Luckily for the gang, they have Dean -- an incredible dickweed. Ill-prepared for fighting a demon, he is super-equipped with insults and cuss words; and when he doesn't get his way, he calls his friends "assholes" and says he hates them. Dean's place in the group of friends is baffling to me. I mean, he looks at least ten years older than everyone else and is constantly trying to fight them. Oh, and did I mention he's an incredible dickweed? But all good things come to an end as he escapes from Matthew in the film's finale -- until he yells "fuck you" at the killer and flips him off. This upsets Matthew, who's a super-conductor, also. Matthew, sadly, electrocutes Dean (insert 'frowny face' here). But most importantly, there's an old caretaker who lives on the property. He knows what's going on the entire movie; but he does nothing about it. He spends his 95-minutes of fame creeping everyone out and then getting shot. Luckily, he has just enough life left in him to dumb gasoline on Matthew and blow-up the barn.

'Twisted Nightmare' is well-known for, well, nothing. That's not to say it isn't enjoyable, though. This group of 14 is more oversexed than a boatload of Navy men. With dialogue like:
"Are you expecting some heavy combat?"
"Yeah. With you in my sleeping bag. But I'm still gonna bring my weaponry."
"Okay, but in the sleeping bag, I want hand-to-hand combat."
"Deal."
and,
"This is my idea of 'roughin' it'."
"No, no, no. Your idea of 'roughin' it' is Club Med."
"Who cares? I like it rough."
and, of course,
"It took me six minutes to get him."
"Six minutes? I bet he's worth all that time.",
it's a wonder 'Twisted Nightmare' wasn't the 'Citizen Kane' of the '80s.

The pure cheeze-cinema and high body count make it easy to pass off the film's shortcomings. With campers being hanged, caught in bear traps, getting their throats slit, having their hearts ripped out, faces burned-off, faces bashed-in, electrocuted, skulls split open, and your basic stabbings, 'Twisted Nightmare' is a worthwhile effort. And, although it doesn't make sense, it's easy to disregard the film's opening-credit-setup. Ultimately, the intro dialogue doesn't really have anything to do with the film. It speaks of an ancient evil which has lived in the barn since the dawn of time, when the real culprit is Matthew's evil shaman sister. Well, that and the public schools. When in doubt, cast blame on the public schools. That's what I say.

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----12
Redeeming Qualities--14
Rewatchability---------7

Fun/Special Effects---8

Directing/Quality------4
Plot/Storyline----------4
Pacing-----------------5
Dialogue/Acting-------2
TOTAL---------------56

Bonus points for kills (16)---1.6
FINAL TOTAL: 57.6

One word why you should watch this. "Dean" (below). And that's that. Tony says, "check it out". 4 Stars. Best of 1987.