4/14 Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead

4/14/14
Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead

"Dominate me, baby!" ~ Reggie Bannister

IMDB.com Rating: 6.0 out of 10

Availability: Still in print moderately priced.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcITGTx6SbI

Watch Online: No such luck. 
OH SHIT! Moment: Seeing a child brutally murder three robbers

Food and Beverage Pairing: Vegan Meatball (of death) Sub and Corpse Reviver #1

Directions:

8 soy meatballs (from any hip grocery store)
1/4 cup marinara sauce
2 hoagie rolls, sliced in half lengthwise
1/4 cup grated vegan mozzarella (try Follow Your Heart brand)

•Preheat the broiler to low.

•Heat the meatballs and the sauce in the microwave or on the stove top until warm.

•Place four meatballs on each hoagie roll, top with half of the marinara and grated soy cheese, and place on an aluminum foil-lined baking sheet.

•Place under the broiler until the bread is toasted and the soy cheese has started to melt, about 3 minutes.

AND NOW, THE COCKTAIL:

Ingredients:

• 1 oz Cognac
• 1 oz Calvados or other apple brandy
• .5 oz Sweet vermouth

Directions:

Add all the ingredients to a shaker and fill with ice. Shake well and strain into a cocktail glass. Maybe, peel a grape and float it in your drink. Pretend it's an eyeball.

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If the title of this post didn't give it away, you may truly be an idiot. On the docket tonight, the ex-ice cream slinger, Reggie, is back in Don Coscarelli's 'Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead'. You can't keep The Tall Man down. There's something about that guy; he just keeps coming back -- mostly for that SAG-required paycheck. And back, too -- the Hemi-Cuda! You know, The Tall Man kind of reminds me of a friend of mine -- always showing up and never wanted. How many times can you go, "hey, Kenny. My family likes you alright; but seriously, when you see everyone's car parked in front of my house, that's not an invitation for you to come over too". Hey, it's like they say. "One's cool. Two's plenty. Three's a crowd. And Kenny will just get get drunk and piss in your kitchen sink". He's the kind of guy who'll drink your J&B and then help you split firewood in the morning, only to drive the hatchet into his shin and have to go to the emergency room. Is that specific? Yeah? That's because he did that. He's the kind of guy who will wet the bed -- standing up... Again, specific? Yep, that's Kenny. So because it's the right thing to do, he washed the sheets -- but didn't use fabric softener. Now, it's like sleeping on rough, fabric tote bags; or so I've heard.... I mean, I'm not sleeping on the pee-bed ever again. The first chance I had, I gave it to my sister. It's her problem now; but she deserved it for being a dick my entire childhood.

And speaking of exacting revenge, tonight's movie is the third installment of the saga that gave evil living-dead dwarf-monks a bad reputation, 'Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead'. This one sees our resident out-of-work ice-cream jerk, Reggie, and the brothers, Mike and Jody, reunite to seek some retribution for two movies worth of bad luck, beat-downs and bullshit, all courtesy of The Tall Man. 

For this sequel, we have:

9 Dead people, including 2 who get killed three times and 1 who gets killed 4

4 Dead dwarfs

1 Exploding dwarf head

1 Death-by-embalming

2 Flying sphere-lobotomies

1 Tomahawk to the face

1 Throat-slicing Frisbee

1 Badass Hemi-Cuda

1 Four-barreled sawed-off shotgun

1 Case of blue balls

2 Crawling hands, complete with razor-sharp teeth

1 Spinning-head decapitation

Multiple lobotomies

Spear-chucking

Skin-melting

And, brain-petting

You know, this movie did for flying metal spheres with razor-sharp stabbing devices, drills and blood pumps as 'Jaws' did for the ocean... Or something like that. You'd think after two films, this plot would wear thin; but then, in the first couple minutes, Reggie blows a dwarf's head clean off and you wonder why it took so long to do a third installment. This one answers all the questions we've had; primarily the one about "what controls those flying death spheres". Answer: a tiny brain. Makes sense, right..? I'll explain later.

In the first act, we begin by killing off the love-connection that 'Phantasm II' built up. They pull an 'Alien 3' when our lady-lead, Liz, gets decapitated five minutes in. Did you catch the alliteration in that last sentence? Follow this with a grenade-threat and the graphic death of a evil zombie-nurse and you've seen enough to know you're in for good time. The real treat comes with the introduction of a murdering, psychotic child who brutally kills several people. He, too, is looking for a little payback for The Tall Man.

Are you ready for tonight's lesson? Here's how to make a flying death sphere:

 STEP ONE: Send the recently dead to another dimension -- one with a heavier gravity. 

          Fine Print Note: Because of the gravity, their bodies get crushed down to dwarf-size.

STEP TWO: When they travel back to Earth, fit them for monk-attire and hire them as evil henchmen. The ones who don't get brought on as evil zombie dwarf-monks get a full lobotomy. 

STEP THREE: Their brains are then placed into those flying death spheres, gaining

 complete control. 

And there you have it. Simple, right?

Now, back to the movie. The second act is complete with more blood and gore. Lots of heads get smashed to bejeezus. By the time the finale comes, you're left shouting, "WHAM BAM -- WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!" As a straight-to-video movie, it's excellent. The quality and effects are not sacrificed. This is a movie that was well-worth my time and money. By now, Don Coscarelli is done making statements. It's the same as before -- just that embalming is super-creepy. This movie, though it plays out like an acid-trip, is well paced and easy to follow.

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----13
Redeeming Qualities---15
Rewatchability---------6
Directing/Quality------7
Plot/Storyline----------5
Pacing-----------------8
Dialogue/Writing-------6
Acting-----------------5
TOTAL---------------65

I gotta say, if you're of fan of the genre, this is one of the best horror franchises. The 'Phantasm' movies never disappoint. There's plenty of blood, guts and embalming fluid to satisfy. 4 Stars. You gotta watch this one. 

I know this is from number 2, but they reuse the footage in the beginning of this one; and it's so awesome, I couldn't NOT share it. Good use of a double negative, ehh?