4/2 Howard the Duck

4/2/13

Howard the Duck

"No more Mr. Nice Duck" ~ Howard (the duck)

IMDB.com Rating: 4.5 out of 10

Availability: Still in print through 'Universal' and cheap.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhmdmDYlKQI

Featurette: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6hDf5cCUJw

Watch Online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErtYsONDCpQ 
OH SHIT! Moment: When you realize Jeffrey Jones becomes possessed by an evil, alien demon from the Cosmos. 

Food and Beverage Pairing: Vegan Mock Duck and a Fuzzy Duck

Ingredients:

Mock Dock

Step one: Buy can of Mock Dock.

Step two: Open can of Mock Duck.

Step three: Eat Mock Duck.

Step four: Feel like death for the next 16-hours.

And now the cocktail:

Ingredients:

• 1 part Brandy
• 1 part Baileys® irish cream
• 1/2 part Malibu
• 3 parts Pineapple juice
• 1 Pineapple slice
• 5 Ice cubes
• 3 parts Coconut syrup

Mix all ingredients in shaker along with crushed ice. Shake and strain into tumbler. Garnish with pineapple.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Fade in: Night time in the big city. Smooth jazz plays, calming and mellow. Light shines on the ocean's surface. The camera pans up. In the background, tall buildings -- mostly powered down for the night. The end of the work day. Manhattan-like. Pan up to see the sky. Two moons. Salmon-colored horizon, fading to blue across the sky. Wait -- What The FUCK?! TWO MOONS?!?! Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm watching 'Howard the Duck', aren't I?

*sigh* Yep.

We're shown a world like ours in every single way -- except inhabited only by ducks. Movie posters, showing obvious parody, line Howard's apartment walls. Mae West is, in Duck World, so cleverly named 'Mae Nest'. And 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' is known as 'Breeders of the Lost Stork'. Atop the poster, "Indiana Drake -- the new hero from the creators of BEAKS and FOWL WARS", an obvious nod to George Lucas' and Steven Spielberg's 'Jaws' and 'Star Wars'. After all, making this movie was, like Indiana Jones, the brainchild of George Lucas. But not all brainchildren are gifted. 

Hmm, not sure if that made sense... 

See, kiddos -- before the days of 'The Avengers' and 'Spider-Man', there was a day when not all Marvel movies were critically-acclaimed blockbusters. There was a time in our nation's history when Marvel Films didn't exist; and the greater population's exposure to Marvel was through the media of film and television. This was a sad time for the nerds, as it would \be 20-years until the nerd counter-culture would become widely accepted. This was the time when Marvel was giving us films like 'Captain America' and 'The Punisher' -- no, not that 'Captain America'. Marvel in the late '80s and early '90s was a sad, sad thing. And at the forefront of Marvel's comic books-turned-movies was 1986's, 'Howard the Duck', presented by George Lucas.

Again *sigh*

As we get a glimpse into more of Howard's apartment, it becomes increasingly apparent he is a lonely, middle-aged duck; and a former rock musician. Shock at the 3:48 mark -- we get uber-creeped-out when Howard pulls out a 'Playboy'... err, a 'Playduck'. A cigar, on an end table, sharing space with a Budweiser, a bowl of pretzels and some family photos -- all lying idly aside whilst Howie opens up the magazine to reveal a naked duck centerfold. I couldn't feel more creeped-out than if my grade school's Assistant-Principle talked to us about "wet dreams" again. Luckily the scene comes to an abrupt finish when an opening vortex shoots Howard through his apartment, into the neighboring renters' bedroom, through a fully-frontal, naked female-duck's occupied restroom, through the complex's hallway, past the elevator, and blasting him through a brick wall which carries him into the atmosphere, where he flies through the cosmos until landing in an alley on Earth -- Cleveland, to be exact. That was a painfully long sentence.

We find Howard warding off attackers trying to mug the film's heroine, Lea Thompson. Throw in a Thomas Dolby tune and a touching moment when Lea invites Howard to come home with her; and, somehow, this only takes us to the 14-minutes mark... The next ten minutes are riddled with bad parody. Our feathered friend's wallet is filled with a Bloomingduck's card, as well as a Mallard's Express credit card. OH, AND HE HAS A DUCK CONDOM! The film's saving grace comes with the introduction of Tim Robbins -- until he starts talking like he's Donald Duck.

Howard gets a job at a bath house and almost gets seduced by Lea Thompson, whilst the first act grows increasingly stale; but not the second act! Err, wait -- never mind -- the second act remains just as stale. Scientists take Howard and one of the scientists, 'Beetlejuice's Jeffrey Jones, becomes possessed by an evil, telekinetic, alien, demon overlord. Like, for realzees.

After a food/flying knife fight, we enter the film's final act where Jeffrey Jones goes all 'Carrie' on Howard's ass. Doors slam shut, tables are sent flying and the evil alien demon wrecks havoc on a small sushi diner. He, then, goes all 'Gene Simmons', extending his tongue four feet. The evil alien materializes and, after a final fight sequence, Howard kills it and saves the day. Shocker...

Howard stays on Earth and becomes a rock n' roll musician and manager. The film ends with a duck guitar solo. That's it, in a nut shell.

This movie is just plain bad. It's not the worst thing I've ever seen. It could've been worse, for sure. I grew up with an appreciation for bad movies and fun '80s sci-fi. I will always love George Lucas' work, but this is, by far, the worst thing his name is attached to. That list includes 'Indiana Jones 4' and all of the 'Star Wars' prequels and special editions. Especially the aforementioned 'Star Wars' movie, but I can find enjoyment in almost everything Lucas did -- almost everything, excpet 'Howard the Duck'. 

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----6
Redeeming Qualities---12
Rewatchability---------2
Directing/Quality------3
Plot/Storyline----------3
Pacing-----------------2
Dialogue/Writing-------3
Acting-----------------3
TOTAL---------------34

I haven't much else to say about this. It's too long. It's mediocre acting. It's too zany and outlandish to be enjoyable. No point was trying to be made. It just wasn't a very likable experience. I won't say it's not worth my time, but it definitely wasn't worth my money; which happened to only be $3. In the end, I rewatched this, but this is surely nothing to write home about -- and hardly something to write on the internet about.