4/29 '2019: After the Fall of New York'

This film, under a slightly different title.

2019: After the Fall of New York

"They must've drunk radioactive water. They'd-a been dead in a couple hours, anyhow. Here -- these are licenses to kill. They're right over there if you wanna use them. It's all legal. Gives you the right to their 

things. . . and freedom" ~ Parsifal

IMDB.com Rating: 5.7 out of 10

Availability: Possibly in print still, and moderate-to-expensively priced.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuLHTh1iOVs

Watch Online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4yb0iZEFUQ

OH SHIT! Moment: George Eastman throws his sword, beheading six Euraks at once.

Beverage: An H-Bomb

Ingredients:

1 oz vodka
1 oz tequila
1 oz rum
1 oz gin
1 oz triple sec
1 1/2 oz sweet and sour mix
1 oz Hpnotiq® liqueur

Method:

Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice cubes. Shake well and strain into a collins glass filled with ice cubes. Garnish with a maraschino cherry, and serve.

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So, within the next five years New York is going to fall, as it plays host to a nuclear attack. Betcha didn't know that, did ya'? Tonight's movie, as this post so clearly states, is '2019: After the Fall of New York'. Okay, so they're trying to make me believe New York, after falling victim to nuclear war and being reduced to a dusty miniature model, has become overrun with mutants, evil horseback riders and a whole bunch of uglies? How dumb do they think I am? And I'm pretty dumb.

We find our mercenary hero, Parsifal, driving for deathsport in an abandoned Nevada rock quarry. . . Also, I'd just like to point out my computer's spell check recognizes "Parsifal" as a word. Anyway, Parsifal's like a post-apocalyptic version of Cary Elwes from 'The Princess Bride', minus everything that makes Cary Elwes from 'The Princess Bride' cool -- but he does have medieval-like armor; so as you can see, Cary Elwes-esque. Quickly, we find out if you survived the nuclear holocaust and you're not a main character, 10% of your face will definitely be covered with radioactive silly putty; or at the very least, you'll have a face tattoo. We find a bunch of dystopian schmucks onlooking the race. Parsifal's car gets upended and mercilessly pushed off a cliff only to meet a fiery explosion when it lands. Lucky for Parsifal and for the plot, he snuck out of his car undercover of. . . daylight. . ? only to beat up the two jerks driving the vehicle which destroyed his car. But this story of revenge doesn't stop here. . . because we're only 11-minutes in. After getting the 'W' in the win column, Parsifal is met with some gold-colored chips (which are licences to kill. Really) and an Eastern European concubine, all told to him by a sexually-charged robot-clown. Yep. He grants his call-girl her freedom; but as Parsifal's walking back to his roadster, he gets zapped unconscious by a radiowave-gun.

Our lead finds himself getting 'Shanghai-ed' in a very Snake Plissken-like manner. Seriously, this part is a ripoff of 'Escape from New York'. We find he's been kidnapped by The Rebel Federation, which I think are grounds for a lawsuit. They give him a mission -- to sneak into New York, where the evil Euraks control everything, and find the only fertile woman left on Earth -- so they can save the human race from extinction. He can either agree to the task, with his reward on completion being a trip to Alpha Centauri to help start kick start the new human race on a different planet -- or decline and die. For the plot's sake, he accepts. With the help of two men, a one-handed navigator named Bronx and the one-eyed and mysterious Ratchet, Parsifal has his team.

I'm going to go off on a limb and say if Snake Plissken had both eyes, Ratchet would've had both, too; and if 'Escape from New York' was never made, this movie would be non-existent.

It's pleasing to know Parsifal, Bronx and Ratchet have to wade through the sewers for two hours to sneak into New York. I know it's just a movie, but there's something comforting about knowing these three jerks had to be chest-high in feces as punishment for ripping off popularized dystopian films. The trio gets attacked by thugs, hoards of homeless old men, flesh-hungry radioactive sewer rats and a mutant gypsy gang. At this point, we're only 1/3rd of the way through the film. By now, you might want to make another cocktail.

THE H-BOMB # 2
Ingredients:

• 3 oz Hpnotiq
• 3 oz Red Bull

Method:

In a highball glass, fill with your ingredients and some ice cubes. Maybe put a solid chunk of Food Grade dry ice in the very bottom of the glass for a foggy effect.

And might I suggest chasing this drink with a few of those big bottles of of La Fin Du Monde. That should last you til the closing credits.

Back to the movie:

Throughout the second act of the film, we get an eye-gouge, a skull-splitting axe death, a dwarf-gang, an exploding head, a lot of blood splatter, lots of decapitations and some intestines pouring out. Bronx dies heroically by yelling "bastards" a whole bunch of times and being shot in the face. Parsifal and Ratchet find a girl and for no reason proclaim her to be the only fertile woman left on Earth (spoiler: she's not); and the trio goes for a calm swim through the cesspool sewers of radioactive New York. 

Finally at the hour mark, we get introduced to 6'9 George Eastman's character, Big Ape; a sword-wielding, hairy-faced troglodyte-wannabe. His gang of 'Planet of the Apes' and 'Caveman Lawyer'-lookalikes become allies with our heroes. Despite his hands looking like they have pubic hairs glued to them, Big Ape goes with our leads into a huge mess of super-well lit caves to find Earth's last fertile woman -- who, of course, is encased in glass. . .

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----13
Redeeming Qualities---17
Rewatchability---------6
Special Effects/Fun----8
Directing/Quality------6
Plot/Storyline----------4
Pacing-----------------5
Dialogue/Acting-------3
TOTAL---------------62

Of all the dystopian post-apocalyptic movies, this one ranks with the best, in my opinion. These type of movies basically got their start from 'Escape from New York' and 'The Road Warrior'. All of these movies are more-or-less about evil mutant freaks -- barbarians with motor vehicles -- trying to ruin what's left of the world for their own enjoyment, so they can go road trippin' or do something equally useless to burn gasoline for no apparent reason; except for the V-8 Interceptor, which was such a badass car. If a little unnecessary gas usage was used on that, I'd deem it acceptable, even in a gas shortage. '2019' is a little different, in that there's few car scenes; but it's all the same. These Italian post-holocaust/dystopian films are great for their fight scenes. This one has a lack of breasts, but substitutes in a whole mess of bloody deaths. '2019' is just fun. Schlocky and trashy entertainment is why the '80s were such a great time for cheeze-shit cinema. What they did with this film was perfect. I don't think it could've been better. Totally worth my time and effort tracking this one down. Watch it. Best of 1983. 

I love these films. So many brutal deaths. If you're gonna die in a movie like this, it's gonna be bloody and painful. And where the hell does this film get off thinking the desert is a twenty minute drive from New York? I know the U.S. is supposed to be a wasteland; but again, how dumb do they think I am? And did anyone else find it funny New York became a town of dusty miniatures and cardboard cutouts? The movie was basically shot in a junkyard. Anyway, watch it. It's worth your time.

And just remember -- if you're ever in a fight to the death with a cyborg, bash it in the head with a rock. Gets 'em every time.