Hardbodies
"My friend, Rag, here; he's multilingual. He's flipping you off in 48 languages." ~ Scotty
IMDB.com Rating: 4.7 out of 10
Availability: Still in print through 'Anchor Bay' and moderately priced.
Watch Online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XXm7HVHYxs
OH SHIT! Moment: Six women, who think they're getting photographed for a modeling agency, take their tops off and pose on a bed.
OH SHIT! Moment: Six women, who think they're getting photographed for a modeling agency, take their tops off and pose on a bed.
Food and Beverage Pairing: Summer Melon Melody Salad and a Big Melon Breezy
Ingredients:
- One Honeydew Melon
- One Cantaloupe, peeled and seeded
- Three Large Cucumbers
- 1 Pinch of Salt
Cut up the cantaloupe, cucumbers and honeydew into small bite-size pieces. Mix together in a large bowl and sprinkle the salt over all. Mix again.
AND NOW FOR THE DRINK:Ingredients:
- 2 parts Absolut New Orleans vodka
- 4 chunks fresh watermelon
- 1 part simple syrup
- squeeze of fresh lemon
- pinch of black pepper
- melon ball for garnish
- lemon slice for garnish
Preparation:
- Place all ingredients into a cocktail shaker filled with ice.
- Shake well.
- Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
- Garnish with a melon ball and lemon slice.
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Tonight's movie is the one that brought the boys back to the beach -- the one that had ginger co-star, Courtney Gains, applying ten gallons of sunscreen a day. My creepy uncle gave this film "two boners up", although I don't know who the second one belonged to. Mr. Skin called this "a gaggle of gaga-making girlies", while showcasing to young men everywhere the vixens of Vixen. It's a twin-loving good-time if you know what I mean, and I think you do. This evening's movie is the '80s teen sex comedy, 'Hardbodies'.
When I was younger I was introduced to puberty the way any young boy with a smart-ass older brother was -- by being lied to. My brother, Dave, was explaining about becoming a man; and how that meant having hairy knuckles, talking deeper and your back becoming a zit-farm. Then he told me about puberty -- to be more specific, he then told me about "Puberty Jones". He said he had to shave his knuckles after "hitting puberty". Not knowing that 'puberty' was the maturing process, I assumed he fought a classmate named 'Puberty'.
"Did you hurt him?" I asked.
"Who?", he inquired.
"Puberty. When you hit him, did you hurt him?"
"Well, yeah. Of course I did. His name was Puberty Jones."
From that point on, most of my childhood was lies.
Had someone sat me down in front of the t.v., popped in 'Hardbodies' and pressed "PLAY", I would've figured that whole 'puberty' thing out. What a film. Only a true work-of-art features such delightful writing and acting. And, oh yeah, 24 breasts.
A trio of nubile, old fuckers, one with a "bent wanger", move to the beach to get a tan and, most importantly, get laid. Unfortunately, these local beach babes don't fuck fossils for free; so unless they're paying, it seems they must employ the help of our surfer hero, Scotty. His goal -- teach the men how to "dialogue" the girls and show them the BBD -- bigger and better deal.
The first act begins with Scotty and his love interest and film co-star, Kristi, finishing morning sex. This becomes interrupted by a plot device, in the form of an eviction notice. After he befriends three older, very wealthy divorced men, they notice he has a skill they don't -- moxie with the ladies. They bribe him with cash and a beautiful home in exchange for his carnal knowledge.
The second act takes off with the introduction of '80s girl group, Vixen. Scotty, a habitual liar, cons the band into becoming their manager. He, in fact, does a magnificent job managing them as he soon gets them a job playing at a night club. After the night club, our cast takes off for a evening at the beach. Tempers flare while Scotty finds himself on the wrong side of a misunderstanding which gets Kristi rethinking their relationship and causes on of those old fuckers, Hunter, to fire him. With his girlfriend seeking refuge in the arms of the horny Hunter, Scotty and his best friend, Rag -- better known as Malachai from 'Children of the Corn' -- scheme to keep Hunter's grandpa-hands off his totally bodacious babe's womanhood, as the kids say. Lucky for them, they become privy to the knowledge that Hunter is preparing to woo her at his large beach party.
SPOILER ALERT: With the film's finale starting, Scotty and Rag pull all kinds of zany shenanigans; ruining a potential business deal and the party of the summer. As if you couldn't guess it, everything works out and everyone reconciles.
Generally, I don't give away the ending, but there are so many redeeming qualities to this one; knowing the ending won't ruin anything.
On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----17
Redeeming Qualities---15
Rewatchability---------8
Directing/Quality------4
Plot/Storyline----------3
Pacing-----------------8
Dialogue/Writing-------8
Acting-----------------5
TOTAL---------------69 (The numbers total-up to 68, but this deserves a 69)
Overall Enjoyment ----17
Redeeming Qualities---15
Rewatchability---------8
Directing/Quality------4
Plot/Storyline----------3
Pacing-----------------8
Dialogue/Writing-------8
Acting-----------------5
TOTAL---------------69 (The numbers total-up to 68, but this deserves a 69)
I'll keep this short and sweet. This movie will cost you $5. It's definitely worth that AND you get the sequel with it, too. It's also worth your time, since it's so enjoyably fun. There's nothing to the film, except a good ol' visceral experience. There's no depth, no hidden message, no allegory or metaphor -- just breasts. Lots of breasts. As far as the film goes, I think the director did everything he set out to do. Simply put, for what this film attempts to be -- it's perfect. Watch it. Best of 1984.
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