5/22 Teenagers from Outer Space

TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE

"And he forced Gramps to drive here?!"

IMDB.com Rating: 3.5 out of 10

Availability: In-print and very cheap.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vplRGV8hs08

Watch Online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6BxzcuEkow
MST 3K Version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnOzPbjM4cQ
OH SHIT! Moment: That damn space-teenager, Thor, reduces a family dog to a pile of bones, just because he can. And because he has a ray-gun and a 'tude. 

Beverage: A Spaceman

Ingredients:

8-10 ice cubes, cracked
1/2 measure white rum
1/2 measure vodka
1/2 measure fresh lemon juice
1 dash passion fruit juice
lemon wedge, to decorate

Method:
Put half of the cracked ice into a cocktail shaker and add the rum, vodka and juices. Shake until a frost forms. Strain it into an old-fashioned glass filled with the remaining ice. Decorate with a lemon wedge.

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Stay off the grass, you damned teenagers! . . . Oh, hi! I didn't see you there. I hope you're in the mood for the drive-in; because tonight's movie is the camp-classic, 'Teenagers from Outer Space'. It's the coming-of-age tale about a martian in-love. And a ray gun that blasts the flesh off humans. And a giant, killer space-lobster. I'll let all that sink in for a moment. Now, excuse me while I go yell at these damned, delinquent space teenagers.

HEY! YOU! Yeah, you -- keep off the grass, ya' good-fer-nuthin' space punks! And STAY OUT!

...   ...   ...   ...   ...   ...   ...   ...   ...   ...   ...   ...   ...   ...   ...

1959 was an interesting time for the U.S. Between the tensions with Communist Russia and Cuba, advancements from N.A.S.A., and the looming-end of the decade, the nation's biggest worry were teenagers from outer space. Or at least it should've been. What Tom Graeff set off to make was a sci-fi film about space lobsters, when in all reality, he made a truly amazing cult classic. Aside from the ridiculously high body count:

• At least 8 human deaths
• Possible other deaths
• An entire alien race dies
• And 1 dead dog

. . .'Teenagers from Outer Space' also has some of the best dialogue.

"You will take me to a man of surgery to get the pellets removed from my chest." ~ Thor, after being shot with Earth bullets

"There's a chance I can do something yet... Those wires, going from pole to pole. They carry the source of illumination and power through the homes." ~ Derek, speaking about power lines and electricity.

"They call it 'the guide ship'. It looks like there are 100 more in the sky." ~ Joe Rogers, pointing at, literally, nothing.

"Grandpa was so exhausted, he fell asleep with all of his clothes on." ~ Betty, lead actress/dummy

An alien spacecraft comes to Earth to test if the planet is suitable to raise Gargons, which are really gigantic, air-breathing lobsters from space. Showing his dominance, the incredible dickweed, Thor, shoots a barking dog, reducing it to a pile of bones. As I write this, our neighbor's dog is barking as though it's filled with an insane rage, so I can kinda justify Thor's actions. After the unruly teenager alien, Derek, sees the dog had a name tag, he realizes the planet is inhabited by people; and raising giant space lobsters would be the immoral thing to do. He revolts, citing material he read back home which was supposed to be confiscated. Like any whiny teen, he runs off in protest and Thor chases him.

Plot twist: Thor and the rest of the invading aliens (all two of them) get word that Derek is their supreme leader's son. This, of course, is unbeknownst to Derek, because why the fuck not.

Derek takes up residence with our female lead, Betty, and her grandpa. Betty and Derek go swimming at a friend's house and then Derek takes Betty to show her her dead dog; all the while, Thor is leaving a trail of skeletons across the California countryside. The police get involved, but their participation in the film is rather unimportant to the plot. The police are basically just fodder for Thor and his ray gun. Thor takes Betty and Derek hostage, but not before one of the cops shoots Thor. Eventually, they escape, and despite being romantically involved with reporter Joe Rogers (played by director, Tom Graeff), Betty chooses Derek as her new main squeeze. 

Unfortunately, Derek and Betty's makeout session gets interrupted by a giant, screaming lobster, balancing on its tail (..?). When Derek picks up a rock to throw at it, he discovers his ray gun lying underneath it. After repeated attempts to shoot it fail because the ray gun is broken, he throws it at the beast, knocking it down. I shit you not, this really happens. Just watch from 4:30 on the below video.

A bunch of schlock happens as the lobster attacks some yokels. Derek climbs an electric pole, cuts the lines and hooks them up to his ray gun. Betty calls the electric company and tells them to send all their power to the lines Derek cut, and of course, they blindly oblige. Luckily, this is enough power to destroy the giant lobster. Phew.

The supreme leader shows up and convinces Derek to come back to the spaceship. It's a tense moment in the film, because hundreds of alien warships show up to land and takeover Earth. We take the actors' word on it, though, because the movie never actually shows any of the spaceships. . . Derek quickly hops in the supreme leader's spaceship and changes the landing coordinates, causing all of the warships to crash onto Earth. We know this because Betty, Joe Rogers and Grandpa narrate the crash from a safe distance. They quickly run into a cave and BAM! Stock footage of a volcano, to let us know all of the alien spaceships have crashed. Fortunately, it happens in a wooded nonresidential area in the countryside of southern California. I imagine the real horror was the roaming forest fires from the aftermath of the crash. I'm sure the news blamed it on troubled teens playing with fire.

Betty presumably never mentions to Joe she cheated on him with a space teenager, and the film ends with Derek's head appearing in the sky. "I shall make the Earth my home, and I shall never, never leave it", Derek says as his head fades into the calming evening sky. 

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----17
Redeeming Qualities--13
Rewatchability---------8

Fun/Special Effects---9

Directing/Quality------2
Plot/Storyline----------2
Pacing-----------------9
Dialogue/Acting-------2
TOTAL---------------62

'Teenagers from Outer Space' has surprisingly good pacing. It holds the attention very well. The film has an entertainingly high body count, making you want to see more people die. There's a couple decent explosions. The monster is so laughable, it actually makes the movie better. All those things really overshadow how dumb of a movie it is. Additionally, their supreme leader looks an awful lot like famed Steelers running back, Franco Harris, or at least like a guy with a fake beard made of wool. Considering this movie runs as cheap as $1 on Amazon, I find it hard to say it's not worth your money; and because it's somehow paced well, it's worth your time, too. If nothing else, there's always YouTube. Tony says to check it out. Best of '59. 4 Stars.

Happy birthday, dad.