5/1 '1990: Bronx Warriors' and 'Escape from the Bronx - 1990: Bronx Warriors II'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7m1ugCw1ZA


1990: Bronx Warriors

"The Bronx is no-man's land, where the worst things happen by themselves." ~ Trash

IMDB.com Rating: 5.2 out of 10

Availability: Possibly in print still, and moderately priced.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMPrRWmDjzA

Watch Online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HqmML9KRvg

OH SHIT! Moment: Fred "The Hammer" Williamson decapitates a cannibal with his cane-sword.

Beverage: A Bronx Cocktail and a 'Bronx Brewery' Summer Pale Ale.

Ingredients:

2 ounces gin

1/2 ounce dry vermouth

1/2 ounce sweet vermouth

1 ounce fresh orange juice

Method:

Shake all ingredients well with ice; then strain into a chilled cocktail glass.

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We have a double feature tonight. It's the widely entertaining 'Bronx Warriors' duology (part of Enzo G. Castellari's dystopian trilogy, with 'The New Barbarians'). It's the series  that introduced Fred "The Hammer" Williamson to the mainstream and left us all wondering, 'who the hell was Mark Gregory and

where is he now?' But more on that in a little.

Again, we have a dystopian film from Enzo G. Castellari, featuring Fred Williamson and, yes, George Eastman. That's three-in-a-row for George. This one features a New York not unlike 'The Warriors'. In fact, this movie is a total -- not ripoff, but what did I say earlier? -- an "homage"; that's right, class. An homage. This movie is totally an homage to 'The Warriors'. It's a dystopian New York that's controlled by gangs, all of which have dress codes. Actually, while I'm at it, this flick is equal parts 'The Warriors' and 'Escape from New York', with a dash of 'The Road Warrior' for taste.

The plot features a young, attractive woman, Anne, who escapes from the well-preserved, safe and corporate-run Manhattan. Apparently, after the apocalypse, Manhattan looks the exact same; but the Bronx are a nightmarish bitch, filled with the likes of roller-blading and face-painted gangs, crackheads and lots of rubble -- so, the Bronx, too, looks the exact same. She gets picked up by our hero, Trash. Along with a gang, called "The Zombies", Trash and Anne end up being trailed by her father's ruthless bounty hunter, played by Vic Morrow. And being that Anne's father is the president of the dreaded Manhattan Corporation, he can do pretty much anything he pleases. 

Now, as for Vic Morrow; by the time of this film's release, he was already dead, dying a year earlier on the set of 'Twilight Zone: The Movie' when he was decapitated by a crashing helicopter's blade. 

So, we had one actor's career meeting an unfortunate end; and then, there was the exact opposite -- the picture's lead, Mark Gregory (Trash), was a first-time actor. Director, Enzo G. Castellari, frequented the same gym as Mark. So impressed by his build and look, Enzo offered him a job as Trash. That only goes to show you, kiddos; if you work hard and eat your vitamins, you, too, could be the lead in a post-apocalyptic film about a biker gang, starring Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, Vic Morrow and The Hell's Angels. . . Welp, that was widely specific. After seven years of acting, Mark Gregory hung up the acting cleats, as they say. And by "they", I mean "no one".

...

Surprisingly, this movie topped the U.S. billboard charts for three weeks, leading to a sequel (see a few inches below). So here comes the part where I probably grade it than 'Mean Girls 2':

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----14
Redeeming Qualities---11
Rewatchability---------7
Special Effects/Fun----6
Directing/Quality------7
Plot/Storyline----------6
Pacing-----------------7
Dialogue/Acting-------5
TOTAL---------------63

Welp, wasn't that fun? What an enjoyable film. Did you notice Mark Gregory's stiff legged walk? Apparently, The Hell's Angles -- who, by the way, were running stunts for the film -- made fun of the 17-year-old Gregory for his walking style. And the female lead of Anne -- well, that was played by the beautiful Stefania Girolami Goodwin. She was actually director Enzo G. Castellari's daughter; and she later went onto be the assistant director for 'Super Mario Brothers' and one of my personal guilty pleasures, 'Empire Records'. After the success of this film, Enzo quickly began work on our final film for the evening. 

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Escape from the Bronx - 1990: Bronx Warriors II

"No one will sit on a john. . . full of dynamite" ~ Toblerone

IMDB.com Rating: 3.6 out of 10

Availability: Still in print, but a little pricey.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJijiBXLUuw

Watch Online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBzh2ReuK4Q

OH SHIT! Moment: Trash blows up a helicopter from long-range, with a six-chambered revolver. It really sets the tone, happening in the first five minutes.

Beverage: A Manhattan. And if you drink them like I do, you'll wanna make a few.

Ingredients:

3/4 oz sweet vermouth
2 1/2 oz bourbon whiskey
1 dash Angostura® bitters
1 maraschino cherry
1 twist orange peel

Method:

Combine the vermouth, bourbon whiskey and bitters with 2 - 3 ice cubes in a mixing glass. Stir gently, don't bruise the spirits and cloud the drink. Place the cherry in a chilled cocktail glass and strain the whiskey mixture over the cherry. Rub the cut edge of the orange peel over the rim of the glass and twist it over the drink to release the oils but don't drop it in. 

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Hoo-ha! What a brilliantly brutal film to finish the evening with. We have, if you happen to give a fuck:

• 110 killed in shootings 
• 40 in explosions 
• 9 by flamethrowers 
• 6 electrocutions
• 4 unknowns
• 2 bashed in the face with a helmet
• 1 by stabbing 
• 1 off-screen kill 
• And 1 face turned to red mush after being hit with a shotgun butt.

Now if you're wanting to fit princess movies in your fuckin' agenda, go right the fuck ahead -- but I'm not. Let me show you why you should spend your time watching art like this.

The Bronx are still a shithole and Trash is still king of the shithole (who'll you'll notice doesn't show off his chest as much this time around; because Enzo was upset by his noticeable muscle-mass loss). The TC Corporation -- who's really just the Manhattan Corporation -- wants to demolish the Bronx in favor of a new, ultra-modern city. They begin to "relocate" all of the inner-city gangs to New Mexico, because why not; or at least that's what they're saying publicly. Instead, they've brought in a tactical death team -- The Disinfestation Annihilation Squad -- to exterminate all of the gangs. With the help of Trash, the local rebels and their leader, Toblerone (yes, his name is actually Toblerone), band together to kidnap the TC Corporation president and kill any who opposes them. With a name like Toblerone, how can you not be inspired to follow him blindly..?

There's a great scene where the police are chasing Trash, fresh off his kidnapping. Running through the sewers in small groups, two of them step on a land mine and blow up. A couple seconds later, another group of two jump over their dead bodies, run ten feet and get blown up by another landmine. And then, a couple seconds later, a third group of two police officers jump over the first set of dead bodies, run ten feet, jump over the second set of dead bodies, run another ten feet and get blown up by another landmine. It's a vicious cycle, folks. And this brings me to the mid movie break. I should give out a few awards; and while we're at it, I think it's time for another Manhattan.

Midnight Movie Award for breaking the century mark in kills.

Midnight Movie Award for Henry Silva for saying, "No sugar, you idiot! How many times do I have to tell you, No Sugar?! It Makes Me CRAAAA-ZZZZY!

Midnight Movie Award for Antonio Sabato for saying, "No one will sit on a john. . . full of dynamite!", and for fathering Antonio Sabato Jr.

Midnight Movie Award for Giancarlo Prete's lines, "There's more ways to die down here than in a Bruce Lee film" and for saying, "I like scratching my balls."

Midnight Movie Award for the Marketing Staff for using the same exact tagline as its predecessor  film, "The first ones to die were the lucky ones".

And Midnight Movie Award for the set designers and production staff for making it clear and obvious who Trash's folks are because their living room wall is covered with a giant photo of Trash.

This movie's end is just amazing. We have bounty hunter, Floyd Wrangler (played by Henry Silva), capture and kill the TC Corporation's president. This puts the vice-president in charge. As he drives away in his sports car, we have Giancarlo Prete -- from a distance of 40 yards, at least -- blow up the vice-president with his shotgun. While escaping, he gets into a scuffle with one of the Disinfestation Annihilation Squad members and bashes the guys face into red goo with the butt of his shotgun. The bounty hunter then kills Toblerone, while Trash wanders the streets killing everyone. As Wrangler drives off, Trash unloads his revolver on him, blowing up our bounty hunter and his ride. This all happens in the span of four minutes. Pretty fucking awesome. 

And as the title credits role, the background music stops with about thirty seconds of credits left; so we're left sitting in silence while the credits keep rolling. I can't articulate why, but something about that makes me like this movie more.

Antonio Sabato Sr. yawning angrily

On my scale:
Overall Enjoyment ----17
Redeeming Qualities---15
Rewatchability---------8
Special Effects/Fun----8
Directing/Quality------7
Plot/Storyline----------6
Pacing-----------------7
Dialogue/Acting-------5
TOTAL---------------73

Both of these movies are a blast. The first one is an homage, but the second one is clearly stating a message about corporate America. You know -- how the upper class hates everyone else and how government is run by conglomerates? Also, I just spelled "conglomerate" right on my first try. I've never spelled that word. This film plays into the fact that the news media is controlled by people with money; and how independent-thinking in the media will turn you into an outcast. But let's face it; even if you just sit down with a couple of beers and turn your mind off, you'll have one helluva time. I can't recommend these two enough. Hoo-ha! Best of 1983! Tony says, "Watch it!" Hoo-ha!